My boyfriend of five years and I are in our late-30s. Neither of us has been married before. I’ve expressed to him how important marriage; family and stability are to me. He’s always responded positively, but nothing changed. I’m now done waiting, enabling his commitment issues and feeling foolish. I feel very strongly about ending the relationship. It’ll devastate me as he truly is the love of my life, but I’m tired of this transient relationship and his endless excuses. 

The problem is my friends. Some agree with me and say they’ll support my decision, others say dating for women my age and older is insanely difficult, I might never find someone to date, let alone consider marrying. They say I should just repress my resentment and focus on the positive aspects.

- Thoroughly Confused

The problem is: You, listening to friends instead of your instincts. You’ve given this guy five years to commit or communicate his incapacity, instead of excuses. That more than frees you to move on, and it’s self-destructive to let your friends influence you otherwise. 

Repressed resentments are unhealthy for you, personally, as well as the relationship… the stress can lead to illness, and the bitterness can easily drive this guy away. But taking control of your life – at any age, is liberating, empowering and a boost to your self-respect that’ll make you a visibly confident woman. If you hold onto that progress, instead of wallowing inn tears, regrets and self-doubts (get rid of the “nay-saying” friends), you’ll find another love.

So long as you also learn to select someone equally confident, and not holding back, like this guy.

My wife is obsessed with getting a face-lift and I’m against it. She’s 48 and beautiful enough for me. 

She’s paying from her own money, but I still think it’s unnecessary and wasteful.

- Upset

It’s her money, and her body, but it’s your relationship involved too. Try to understand her motivation… fear of aging, hormonal changes, competition in her work? 

Listen to her feelings, discuss safe alternatives like non-surgical treatments; but if she’s determined, be supportive.

A former manager of our work department is being reassigned to us for the third time.

First, he was removed by a previous executive and sent elsewhere due to his poor management skills.

Second, he was a temporary fill-in, when nobody else was available.

I understand this latest return results from his threatening a “constructive dismissal” lawsuit.

Several of us from earlier days with him are concerned that we’ll fair poorly again because of him. He’s an alcoholic, demonstrates bad judgment and unprofessional behaviour.

Recently, he’s been able to lay low but his problems still exist. The new

executive will not have this person’s history. What can we do to avoid the unfortunate situation we’re likely to have again with this person back as our manager?

- Workplace Anxiety

Employees’ histories usually do follow them, but a lawsuit threat often puts a chill on the company’s willingness to confront trouble. 

Give this man a chance for a while; some compassion may go a long way, since he’s learned to “lay low.” If the situation deteriorates, keep a group record of his mistakes, misdeeds, etc. Take your department’s complaints to Human Resources and/or a top executive, making it clear that the man’s actions are detrimental to the company, not just bothersome to a few people.

Since he’s already known as a problem, you have to demonstrate that it’s affecting business, not just personalities.

I’m separated from a man who’s abusive verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. 

He’s provided nothing for our daughter (seven months). I granted him visitation rights to not deprive her of a father. However, he’s abusive towards her sometimes – pinching and yelling at her.

I’ve not reported him, fearing his reaction. I now want custody, without his having visitation rights.

- Worried

Contact a lawyer, or legal aid clinic, or family court clinic, or a women’s shelter for referral to legal counselling. Get informed of your rights and have a safe plan for carrying them out, e.g. safe accommodation, a restraining order against your ex, etc. 

You might consider his having supervised visitation – i.e. in the presence of a court-appointed social worker, or trusted relative – to try to develop a father-daughter relationship, but ONLY if the court orders anger management and parent-skills training, as a condition of his having visits.