I’m 23, and for 7 years, I’ve been in and out of relationships. I’m a good guy, but the girls I was dating were either cheating on me, weren’t in love, or I was too naïve and trusted them. 

Last year, my girlfriend and I called it quits because she didn’t know if she was in love with me even though she felt something. She cheated, I forgave her - I can only see myself with her.

Now it’s over and I’m missing her so much. Did I make the right choice?

Are our problems because of me? Or is she too emotionally damaged from her past relationships?

- Confused

Continue to be a good guy, and don’t blame yourself for others’ weaknesses. 

Your relationships have been through young years –the people involved, including you, were testing emotions and situations, having new experiences while still lacking confidence, still immature. Now you should know enough to be more selective.

If someone’s emotionally damaged, she’s not a great candidate for a girlfriend. You gave this last girlfriend a second chance, and she still acted uncertain. You were right to break up.

Move on, and only give your heart to someone who’s as sure of their feelings as you are.

I left home at 16 due to an extremely abusive and alcoholic mother (no relationship with my father, my parents separated when I was a toddler). Growing up with her, I lived in fear, embarrassment and shame. I cut ties and built a good life for my children, my husband, and myself. 

After 15 years, she’s discovered my e-mail and requested we “get together.”

I sense no accountability or acknowledgement of the torment I lived with. She may not even remember much because she started each morning with a drink.

It’s stirred up so many feelings and I’m uncertain whether I should reply, and justify why I’ve severed ties (risking her harassing me), or just ignore the e-mail and continue detached from her toxicity.

- Please advise

Normally, I feel there’s value in making an effort with a distanced parent or child for these reasons: 1) your own children learn that immediate family gets a hearing, and even help if needed; 2) you hopefully avoid crippling regrets if you later learn you contributed to a tragedy. 

In your case, only you know just how toxic your mother was, and whether you’ve come far enough to stay strong in her presence or back in her orb.

If you’re sure she’ll drag you down, ignore her outreach. But get counselling, you’re not over this.

If you see her, don’t look for accountability and acknowledgement. Look for your own ability to be compassionate while staying above any drama.

My mother’s an amazing woman but she talks (a lot!) about things told to her in private. 

If my siblings or I tell her something confidentially, she’ll tell the other siblings as a conversation-starter. She even tells our business to relatives or her friends.

I stopped revealing things so the news wouldn’t spread. I know it bothers her that I don’t talk to her as much.

I’m now more distant from her than the others.

- What to Do?

Show interest and caring about mom’s life, while also refusing to listen to private information about others. 

She talks and tells stories to get attention. Be the wise one who recognizes this, and shows your love by seeing her as a person with her own life and stories to tell.

An in-law who knows I’m very sensitive to scents repeatedly gifts me strong-smelling body lotions/shower gels etc. I re-gift or donate them to a women’s shelter. The hints just aren’t working. 

Could I ask her to donate money in my name to a women’s shelter or the food bank instead? My husband thinks I’ll insult her, though she knows my feelings on giving to those less fortunate.

- Scent-less

Since she barely sniffs at your “hints,” speak up clearly: You appreciate her good intentions, but ALL scented lotions give you a headache. The obvious alternative is unscented lotion, NOT telling her what charitable cause you support. 

Hubby may know her better – perhaps she’ll think you’re one-upping her, and feel insulted. So tell her that there are many other personal items you like at the same price range as lotions. Hubby can fill her in – e.g. books, CD’s, DVD’s etc.