I’m getting married soon and my fiancé’s kids from a previous relationship are in the wedding party.
When I first met my fiancé’s family, the kids’ mom was close to some of them. Since then, she has married. We’re not best friends but we do get along and speak when we see each other.
Recently, she mentioned being at the wedding. I told my fiancé that I wasn't sure if I wanted to invite her; he said it was up to me, but he asked, what if she wanted to see the kids participate. I said she could come to the ceremony, and I’d think about her and her husband coming to the reception.
My fiancé’s mom recently asked me if I was inviting the kids’ mom; I said I wasn't sure. I don’t think that it would be appropriate for her to be at the reception. Am I wrong?
If not, how do I tell her and the kids that this is my day and I don't think her being at the reception is okay?
- Appropriate or not
Tell her, fast.
The problem has been your indecision – now you need to clear the air of all the other people’s opinions except that of your fiancé.
The children will accept a firm, united decision, especially if it doesn’t come from dislike or exclusion – which is obvious, once she’s invited to witness the ceremony.
The so-called rules for second marriages involving children call for being clear and respectful, rather than debating what’s “appropriate.”
Your initial instinct was to let his ex witness her kids’ role, and then have her discreetly leave. Go with it.
Half of my family is on non-speaking terms. One relative was blamed, despite underlying conditions.
My problem is that I still speak to that relative but the rest of my immediate family does not.
Recently, I’ve noticed that she’ll only contact me to “discuss things,” yet never makes time to actually have a meaningful relationship with me. Most of her correspondence is done via email. Her “discussion” involves pumping me for information about the other family members.
Once caught up on the latest news, she’ll refrain from speaking to me for months. I put this to the test and have avoided speaking about other family members with her, kept the conversation based on myself and quickly learned that she’s not interested in what I'm doing.
Example: After two months’ silence, on the day my sister had her first child, I received an email supposedly wanting to get caught up with me and the events in my life.
I’m now about to follow in the rest of my family's footsteps and cease all contact with this relative.
Yet, as she's family, I feel like I’m obligated to make this relationship with her work. Or should I just cut my losses?
- Wit’s End
Drop the pretenses and lay your cards on the table.
Tell your relative that you’d enjoy a relationship with her if she weren’t so obvious about using you as an information post.
Tell her you have a full life of your own that you’d be happy to share, but only if there’s a mutual interest between you.
Suggest that you get together in person and NOT talk about other family members.
If you don’t hear from her soon afterward, your obligation is over.
I'm an attractive professional bisexual woman who’s very attracted to my neighbour.
My problem is that I’m not sure if she feels the same way or even if she occasionally bats for the same team.
Should I confront her about my attraction or just leave things alone as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.
- Tired of Fantasizing
Do the neighbourly thing when you next see her - start chatting, look for a common interest, and then suggest doing something casual together, like a walk or going for coffee.
Do NOT come on to her, since, if she doesn’t bat your way, she may truly run.
However, if she shares the attraction, this should become obvious in a short while.
But without a recognizable signal, I believe confronting her is a sure way to lose her friendship – which otherwise could’ve been enough of a pleasant relationship between two neighbours who may not share the same sexual interest.
Tip of the day:
Inviting an ex-spouse to the wedding is a decision that belongs only to the bride and groom, and should be made early enough not to build false expectations in anyone involved.