A woman we met together recently behaves like a predator, but my husband doesn’t get it.

She’s late 30s, single, flirty, frequently remarks about being “on her own.” She claims to have lived everywhere exciting (Paris, Los Angeles, etc.) so makes herself sound interesting and mysterious.

My husband, mid-50s, got drawn into a conversation about her “philosophy group,” and now she invites him to meetings without mentioning me!

He says he won’t go without me, but I don’t trust her. I’m not normally a jealous or insecure woman.

Suspicious Instinct

The philosophies may be fascinating, but her motives do seem transparent. Start with you responding, using “we,” and either attend together or refuse.

Tell your husband that you appreciate his innocence, but to respect your instinct on this.

If she persists, he must tell her directly that he’s not interested in the group. Then, he shouldn’t answer her approaches at all.

Some parents swear by the self-soothing, cry-it-out, “Ferber” method for their baby. I’m trying it out but feel scared that I’m neglecting my baby.

Some parents allow the baby to cry for over an hour to learn to self-soothe.

Am I damaging my child’s development (emotional or physical) by trying this method? The Ferber technique clearly says to check on babies, but each time let them cry longer. Yet many parents claim to let them cry with no checks.

The public health nurses claim that it’s okay, but you must be consistent with the method. However, they also seemed unsure about it. My baby is one-year-old.

Whether you believe in Dr. Richard Ferber’s technique for solving infant sleep problems, YOU as parent(s) must feel comfortable and trusting that you’re doing the right thing for your child.

You clearly don’t feel easy with this method, but likely do have concerns about sleep issues or wouldn’t be asking.

Do some reading on your own, on different approaches, till you find what comes more naturally to you. That’s the one that’ll work, as your child feels you relax and yet senses your resolve.

Some plans suggest you lie with the baby till he/she sleeps. Others say to sit beside the crib and stroke the baby till sleep comes. Still others, like Ferber’s, do let the baby cry but for limited time periods, related to how comfortable parents become with the technique. It’s recommended you start between 3-to-5-months old.

Ferber’s strategy IS controversial, with some claiming it can create emotional scars, while others swear by it.

Sleep is just one child-rearing issue whereby parents need to learn and discuss different ideas, and decide together what they believe is right for their family.

My friend, recently widowed, is astonished at the weird things people say.

One friend, also widowed, commented seriously how “nice” it was that both men were now “playing golf together in heaven.”

And a relative, told that this woman wasn’t ready to attend a musical play, responded, “Stop moping around! It’s been a month already.”

How can my friend handle such comments?

Odd Condolences

Just as your friend’s finding that everyone grieves in their own way and time, many people don’t know how to express sympathy and do so differently.

Generally, they mean well, but say it awkwardly.

If she normally likes these people, she can respond with a non-committal, “Thanks, I know you’re trying to cheer me up. Let’s talk in a few weeks.”

Or, if the comments are more annoying, she can say, “That’s not helping me,” and end the conversation.

FEEDBACK Regarding a column from a lady regarding her spitting neighbor:

Reader – “I work at a large College. This writer would have a fit if she came here and observed students… and they’re not from any specific country, as she’d hinted.

“There are students from “any- and everywhere” who spit on campus regularly.

“I find it unappealing as well – and more surprising from a female, which I saw.

“However, I try to ignore it, knowing I could get reprimanded if a student complained against me.”

Ellie – I do recall the thinly veiled racism in the reference to the spitter’s background.

While cultural differences exist in what’s acceptable in different countries, unpleasant habits can easily be found in people born here.

You were correct to ignore it – if there’s no campus policy, criticism could be deemed harassment. Better lead by example, and where possible, have general group discussions on why spitting’s unhealthy and unpleasant for others.