My family, which includes my middle-aged son and daughter with their own families, together with my ex, their mother, have been using a WhatsApp chat to keep in touch with photos and videos of events and vacations. We live in different cities. The two sets of grandkids rarely see each other.
Then my son started posting rants trashing the “wokeness” of teachers (my daughter is a teacher, but he said he didn’t mean her), First Nations and “the poverty industry.”
We largely chose to ignore these rants. Now he’s withdrawn from the chat because we didn’t respond.
How do I get my son to lighten up and the families back on track with sharing more of their lives?
Sad Dad
Using the term “lighten up” won’t serve you well. There’s a negative connotation to it. I suggest having a private conversation with your son, telling him that you’re interested in everything he has to say, but that this particular chat is meant solely for sharing photos and videos of events and vacations. Even if you’re NOT interested in his rants, create a chat with just him to divert him away from the family.
If he doesn’t take the bait, but remains uninvolved in the original chat, reach out to his partner to see if everything is OK. Often when people start to go off the beaten path, there are other factors at play.
My son married at 22 to a 20-year-old lovely girl from a beautiful family. However, she’s distant and cold to me. We help support them while they’re still in university.
I’m a very loving and giving mom. When I want to hug her, she says, don’t touch me.
The other day we were driving to a dress shop where I was going to buy her a new dress. I had the correct address which she argued was wrong. When I said softly that I have it taken from Google she said, “it sounds like you’re yelling at me and I don’t like to be yelled at,” while rolling her eyes.
How do I get this brat to show me the respect I deserve? I don’t want to tell my son although he’s heard her in action.
A distressed mother-in-law
I strongly suggest you stop referring to her as a brat, even if you feel she’s behaving as one. Words carry heavy meaning, and labelling someone with a negative moniker won’t serve you well now or in the future.
The unfortunate issue is that this young woman now holds the key to your relationship with your son, and with your future grandchildren. That doesn’t mean you have to bow down or accept unacceptable behaviour. But it does mean that you must tread lightly.
You may be a very loving and giving mother, and you can continue to be that way, but you don’t have to give more than you wish. Meaning, you can support your son while he’s still in school, but you don’t need to support her in the same way. You don’t need to buy a dress for someone who is seemingly quite ungrateful.
As for the touching, I understand you. I am a very touchy-feely person. But not everyone is like that. Respect her physical boundaries; there’s no getting around that.
You are right not to tell your son how you feel behind her back, but there’s nothing stopping you from talking to her about respect. Explain to her that you will always show her the same respect and consideration you expect her to show you. That you have a long life ahead as family and the better you get along, the better that life will be. Hopefully your son will be able to talk to her if need be.
FEEDBACK Regarding the cottage hierarchy (July 25):
Reader – “No, don’t rock that boat. Couples have couple friends and individual friends. You can move from one category to the other, but it must happen naturally, not by request. People also have close friends with whom they enjoy spending a weekend or more and other close friends with whom a few hours are sufficient (often because their interests and lifestyles are very different). And finally, they have same-gender and work friendships, likewise based on similar interests. The two wives in this case are having mid-week girl time. The cottage-owner’s husband, meanwhile, wants to relax with close friends on his weekends away from work, not spend it getting to know somebody new. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the writer’s husband, just that he’s not currently in the market for expanding his list of close friends.”
Lisi – I agree. Why rock the boat?