I need advice on dealing with my very ill mother and discussing her affairs before she dies.

This past January she announced to my brother and I that she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Subsequently, our aunt told us that our mom has two cancers, the other one being liver cancer.

Our mom keeps saying all is good and she’s doing well, but when we went to visit her in April, she was angry and very short with us and even made mean comments towards my partner who has done nothing but be supportive. My brother couldn't take it and cut his trip short. He lives a four-hour drive away; I live across the ocean from them.

We have come to realize that she is constantly lying to us, but we understand that she wants to protect us. This week she did another scan and the results were not good. Her version of the fact is that the cancer is "slightly bigger" but nothing to worry about as they will change the treatment to address the growth. Except the new treatment bypasses the chemo and is only one-hour weekly. I was very surprised and expected the worst from this news. You don't downgrade a treatment when the disease is getting worse.

Our aunt, who was at the doctor's appointment, told us that both cancers are bigger and new tumours have appeared. She also confirmed that the new treatment is to make her comfortable, but not to treat the cancers. She also said that our mom doesn't seem to register the gravity of the situation. Sometimes she will make comments acknowledging the gravity, but mostly not.

We need to know what to do once she passes away and giving her extremely unpleasant behaviour during our visit, we are almost scared of her. I told my brother that I will be the one having this conversation but I'm at a loss on how to proceed. First, I don't want this conversation to imply that I know she is about to say her final goodbyes and I also don't want her to be mad. My aunt has had the conversation with her many times about discussing her affairs with us so that we know where to find the documents, who to stop paying, who is the landlord, etc., but she refuses to talk about it with us.

What do I do?

Hard conversation

I’m not an oncologist or grief counsellor, but I suspect that your mom is in denial, and is naturally protecting you and your brother from the inevitable, and perhaps even diminished in her cognitive abilities. I am sure that the cancer clinic has a social worker available to help you run through the various scenarios. I’m certain that your situation is not unique.

Try to set up a meeting with your brother and the social worker, in person, over the phone or by zoom, and ask them what their methods are of getting information from people also looking at the end of the line. If you feel so inclined, perhaps include your aunt – who I assume is your mother’s sister – because she seems to have a more direct line into your mother.

Don’t be afraid of your mom. She needs your love and compassion right now – even if she’s pushing you away. There’s no point in beating around the bush; just ask your mom the questions directly, but not in a what-if scenario. For example, you’d like to help take some things off her plate so she can focus on her health, like rent, but you need the name of her landlord.

Be kind, calm and loving. And hug her.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young man who lost his job (May 21; July 24):

Reader – “I agree it’d be acceptable for the mother to call the employer regarding the loss of a job he’d been offered — but only to let them know he’s in a remote location, cut off from normal communication, and therefore unable to respond to their email.

“But if she attempts to restore his employment by begging, whining or criticizing, it’ll likely only backfire.  It’s rather nasty that they offered the job, even agreeing to alter the period of employment, and then rescinded. But that’s life.  Businesses exist to make money, not to beef up the resumes of students.  Like many students, I had nothing but low-level jobs to support myself through university — certainly nothing that’d look good on an application.  But I’d have been mortified had my parents ever approached an employer — or a professor — about anything other than to notify them I’d died and wouldn’t be coming in.”