My friend’s son has been suspended from school for making a racial slur. My friend is understandably upset, obviously at her son but also because that goes on his school record, according to the principal. He’s only nine years old and she’s worried this will follow him through to university. I don’t think it will, but I don’t know.

Also, she doesn’t know how to explain to her son why he got suspended because the word he used is in every song he listens to, every movie he watches, and thrown around amongst his own peer group. The difference is that he is visually unlike his friends.

I understand what she is saying, but I don’t know how to help her. Shouldn’t the school have a policy across the board, no matter who is uttering these words? Why is there a discrepancy?

Unfair World

According to my research, any suspension from kindergarten to Grade Three gets automatically permanently erased. Unfortunately, this child is older than that. If he’s in Ontario, then his suspension letter will remain in his record (Ontario Student Record) for five years.

However, most elementary school suspension records rarely follow a student even into high school, so your friend needn’t worry that it will follow her son through to university.

Unfortunately, her son is caught in the vortex of what is known as linguistic reappropriation. Historically, when a word, phrase or gesture has been used to demonize or demoralize a group, that group sometimes takes that word and uses it themselves, stripping it of its power, and changing it to their benefit. The key is that only they can use the word that way. Anyone else who uses it will mostly be assumed to be using it in a hurtful way.

I think it’s worth a meeting with the school principal to discuss how children need to be taught, from clearly a very young age, about language and how words can have very different meanings depending on how they are used and who is using them.

Lastly, perhaps monitoring his music and movie choices would minimize those words entering his vocabulary.

My wife and I are in a huge blowout after the weekend. We went for a casual walk to a new coffee shop. When we arrived, there were two puppies frolicking on the porch and my wife wanted to play. I said I would go in and order her coffee.

I went inside and ordered her coffee EXACTLY the way she likes it. I turned away while they were making it, paid and took the coffee out to her, with the lid on. She took one sip and freaked out! In front of everyone at the coffee shop!

I was so embarrassed and so angry, I just walked away without a word. And I didn’t stop until I was several blocks away from the shop, when she caught up to me.

How do we work through this?

Coffee Time

I like my coffee very sweet and very milky. The ONLY time I could ever see myself reacting inappropriately is if I took a big gulp of a black coffee. But your wife’s specifics focus on when the flavours are added in, not if. She must have a very sensitive palate to know that the sweetener has been added before the coffee as opposed to after.

Either way, to demean you in front of a store full of strangers is beyond rude. Especially since she could have just gone in and had them fix her coffee. She needs to apologize – and you need to never offer to get her coffee again.

FEEDBACK Regarding hopeless (July 18):

Reader – “A lady in my apartment building was in a similar situation and was going to be evicted for nonpayment of rent. I helped her move to a women’s shelter. She was much happier there where she made friends and was helped in accessing a monthly income which then enabled her to move to permanent housing. The staff at the shelter provided support when she was in crisis.”

Reader #2 – “Start with a simple 15-minute walk, if possible, near nature or running water. Even just around the block. It’s amazing how those endorphins can clear your head.  Then take that shower. I guarantee that after your walk, you’ll have a different outlook, and things will begin to look clearer.  Even the simple massaging action of the water will feel great.

“Make an appointment to see your family doctor.  Often their offices have references to services that can help. You are NOT alone.  People will help; you just need to ask.”