I hate to use the word hate, but I hate my daughter’s boyfriend. They’ve been together for five years. At first, I thought he was OK but now I can’t stand the way he speaks to her. He’s condescending and rude. He’s good around the kitchen and helpful in other areas, but I don’t think he’s a good boyfriend.

They’re too young to remain in this situation especially when they don’t seem to love each other. They’re very platonic in nature towards each other and I don’t see any love between them.

I want her to get out of this going-nowhere relationship and find love with someone who loves her. She’s a warm, loving person who will make a great wife and mother one day. She just needs to find the right partner and this guy isn’t it.

How can I get her to see what I see?

Loveless Life

Ask your daughter the questions that will get her to think more deeply about her answers. Not simply “Do you love him?”, but rather, what is it about him that you love? What does a healthy relationship look like to you? What characteristics do you hope for in your future husband?

Talk it through with her. Ask her how it makes her feel when her boyfriend is rude to her. I’ll tell you how I would feel – not good! Why would anyone want to live and share a life with someone who is rude to them? Share your insights only after she has shared hers.

It’s important that you don’t try to sway her because most children don’t want their parents’ opinions. And it’s even more important that she come to the realization on her own anyway. Once you can see that she’s ready to get out, then you can help her any way she would like. After five years, it won’t be that simple. Be there to support her through.

Recently, while grocery shopping, I saw a therapist I had once used. We had worked together for over a year when he suddenly exclaimed that he couldn’t work with me anymore and basically fired me. His explanation was weak, and his arguments unfounded, but I never looked back.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t helped me solve my issue and so I went on to find another therapist who did a much better job of helping me see the problem, acknowledge it, work through how to handle it, and then move out of the stagnant stage and make some effective change.

When I saw him, so many emotions popped up and I wasn’t sure if I should go over and say hello. I then got distracted and when I turned back, he was gone.

Do you think he saw me and ran the other way? Should I have found him and said something?

Lacking Closure

I have no idea if he saw you and bolted, but it’s likely. No, I don’t think you should have chased after him and so I’m glad you didn’t.

I understand your lack of closure but good for you for not looking back when he cancelled your sessions. There’s no point arguing with someone just for the principle. You are, I am sure, much better off without that therapist, especially since you say the new one helped you move forward.

Why did the first therapist let you go? I don’t know but it shouldn’t matter. And since the second therapist was so good at getting you, why don’t you ask them to help you work through this situation. Bottom line, nobody likes rejection and by “firing” you, he rejected you.

If you ask me, he doesn’t sound like a very good therapist at all. Be grateful he let you go.

FEEDBACK Regarding cocaine and billiards (July 13):

Reader – “I know you know addiction is an illness, and I’m sure you know it’s a very difficult disorder to manage successfully. Good to hear he was able to manage for six months. He may be able to do rehab again with longer success each time. There may be several times. Or not.

“I agree she shouldn’t support him if he isn’t willing to try again. If he is willing, probably with an ultimatum, she could help him find a public health 30-day program and let their system find him supports. He needs another intervention, not abandonment.

“Can any of his cocaine friends help? Surely there’s someone who has a better life balance, cocaine & billiards notwithstanding. Maybe his family?”

FEEDBACK Regarding excuses (July 14):

Reader – “Sounds to me like his partner may be having an affair and has found someone else, maybe more exciting.”