My adult son (my only child), who is separated from his wife, called me just before Christmas to tell me that he’d cheated in a new relationship. Then he demanded to know if I had cheated, and if so, how many times during my marriage to his father (now deceased).

I admitted to “more than once” but that I was unwilling to discuss it with him. His father and I had many problems, including emotional abuse on his part, during our almost 30-year marriage. My son then implied that my past behaviour is a contributing factor in his recent behaviour. He also said he had lost several jobs recently.

I feel helpless; obviously he’s in crisis. I’m not rich but I asked if he needed financial help, including for therapy which I know he’s used in the past. No response.

Since then, he has ignored all my efforts to communicate and explain myself. This includes ignoring my letters and texts, not acknowledging my gifts for him and my only grandchild, not telling me that his paternal grandmother had died (I found out when I went to visit her), no response when I told him about my scheduled surgery. When my sister told him that there had been complications from the surgery which resulted in an unscheduled hospital stay, his only response was to ask to be kept informed of my health issues in future.

As hurtful as all this is, the worst is losing contact with my grandson. Formerly I flew across the country every year to visit their little family at significant expense as they wouldn’t let me stay with them.

For further context, I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with him for the most part except when my son accused my second husband and me of being racist towards his then wife. This was an absurd accusation. His father, my first husband, was from a different cultural background from me, as my son was from his wife. We even had their wedding at our house. But he didn’t want to discuss it. Eventually he started talking to us again, with no apology or reference to this very hurtful episode.

I am heartbroken by this situation. My friends and my sister say I should pull back and give him time. And that our estrangement is possibly not even about me, but about his own struggles with relationships, and he’s looking for someone to blame. But it’s been eight months, and I miss him and my grandson so much. I grew up without grandparents around and I don’t want my grandson to forget he has a grandma who he never sees but who loves him very much. I feel my son is now punishing me for long ago bad behaviour that I cannot change.

I suspect you may say to keep in touch with him, but not to make any demands or have any expectations. Also, I may benefit from some counselling, but what I really want is to find a way to heal this rift. Meanwhile I hear from friends about their kids and grandkids, and although I am happy for them, I am crying on the inside. Do you have any other advice?

Broken Mom and Grandma

Admitting to your past mistakes is brave. Knowing that you are NOT responsible for your adult son’s behaviour takes strength. Stay the course. Keep reaching out to both your son and your grandson. You may find a path to your grandson through your daughter-in-law, but you haven’t mentioned that relationship. Call, text, email, send snail mail and packages (the latter more for your grandson) so you can look in the mirror and know you’re doing everything possible.

FEEDBACK Regarding the sisters and the shoes (June 18):

Reader – “Two sisters (S1 and S2) and a pair of shoes. S2 had a history of being careless with her possessions and despite warnings proceeded to ruin the shoes and discarded them. S1 took them and repaired them. S2 demanded the refurbished pair back.

“Your advice to S1 was to take the moral high ground and return the shoes. I suggest S2 compensate her sister for the cost to repair the shoes, and for her time and effort.

“Mom should also let S2 know that if she is careless with the shoes, or any other similar purchases, she loses them and there will be no returning them to her.  This may not be enough to change her attitude, but it recognizes the effort and initiative S1 took (and she deserves to be applauded) and may plant the seed with S2 that life isn’t always a free ride.”