It’s that time of year when all the biggest changes happen in my life. My work is such that September is my biggest, craziest month. I have three kids and luckily this year, only one has major life changes. My eldest son is going to move into his first house with a few friends. He doesn’t know how to cook. He barely cleans his own room, let alone a kitchen and shared bathroom. I don’t have the time or bandwidth to teach him. How do I handle this?
Concerned Mom
In answer to your question, you handle this with a lot of patience and laughter. Make the time before he moves out, and walk him through cleaning his own bathroom at home. Rest assured it will be a cleaner practice pad than the one he’s moving into. Show him the cleaning products and what each is used for, then direct him on how to use them. Toilet bowl, shower floor and drain, sink and mirror. They all use different products.
It may be too late for this now, but if you have time, cook with him. Show him some easy basic recipes that he can batch cook and freeze. For example, a bolognese sauce for four servings. Make it for dinner and have leftovers for lunch. Freeze the other two portions for another day. Make sure he has all the basic cooking utensils, like a large pot, a sauté pan and a kettle. If possible, set him up with anything else you can afford, such as a toaster oven, a microwave, and a coffee maker. A blender is also very useful for on-the-go smoothies.
If he lives in your city, when you cook, double up the recipe and bring it to him or freeze. Just to help him out. Worst case scenario is that he spends way too much (of his own) money on UBEREATS and going out and realizes the cost of food. And with the cleaning, he’ll figure it out when he goes to the washroom and sees how disgusting it is after a few weeks of not cleaning.
He won’t starve and he won’t live in filth. Just be happy you don’t live there too.
My sister keeps calling me with things I NEED to do for our parents. She doesn’t ask, she just tells. She’ll say, you need to take mom to the grocery store. Or, you need to bake cookies for dad. I’m happy to do anything and everything for our parents, but I don’t need to be told. I’m not sure who she thinks she is, giving me these marching orders when she doesn’t go out of her way for them.
How do I handle this?
Voluntold
There’s more to this story. I’m going to surmise that your parents are diminished and are in need of some help. Assuming it’s just you and your sister, she may be scared and unsure how to handle this new role reversal. Sit down with her and talk about what’s going on with your parents. Cry together and then make a game plan.
For example, you take on the groceries, meals and bill payments, and she’ll take on the medical care and doctor’s appointments. Or divide and conquer however your schedules allow.
The key is for you two to work together to help your parents. Turning your anger towards each other is defeatist. You need your energies to focus on your parents’ needs and well-being.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sisters and the shoes (June 18):
Reader – “I’m 82, with three children and six grandchildren. I enjoy your column but don’t agree with this one. Giving the shoes back just rewards bad behaviour. And sends a message to the younger sister that she is less important than her sister.
“My response to my daughter would be, you didn’t care for your new shoes, and you gave them to your sister. You cannot take them back now that she has worked so hard to renew them. I’m willing to show you how to care for your clothes and shoes properly, and when you show me that you can do so by being careful, we can shop again.”
FEEDBACK Regarding dress code (April 15):
Reader – “I remember going out to dinner as a teenager with my family. I came out dressed in raggedy attire. My father took one look at me and walked back into the house. He came out wearing awful unmatched clothing and proceeded to get into the car.
“I said, 'Dad you can't go out looking like that!!’ He made his point.”