My son is in a situation that I need help to resolve. He went away to university this past year and had a wonderful experience, met lots of new friends and even started a relationship with a young lady (same age teenager).  At the end of the first semester, the students all needed to start looking for housing for the upcoming school year. The housing market is very competitive, with less houses/apartments than there are students. He had been hanging out with a guy he met in one of his classes, and that guy asked if he wanted to share a place next year. My son said yes.

He then introduced my son to some of his friends and the group enlarged to a total of four guys. They found a decent place to live, drew straws and chose rooms. By a stroke of bad luck, my son was last, and got the leftover room, which is very small. He was willing to suck it up.

But as the school year progressed, he realized that this group of guys were involved in activities that didn’t interest my son, namely heavy drug usage. I’m not talking about just a little marijuana smoking now and again; according to my son, these guys are big into cocaine, crack and molly.

He’s spoken to the guys; told them he’s leaving and offered to help them find a roommate. They don’t care and barely acknowledged my son’s departure from their group. But now my son is desperately in need of somewhere to live. He’s just finishing exams and beyond stressed out. How can I help him?

Mother’s Little Helper

Be grateful that your son was observant enough to notice what was going on; responsible enough to choose NOT to get involved; and brave enough to walk away. Tell him to focus on his exams for the brief period and compartmentalize his stress. A life lesson.

In the meantime, start scouring the online student housing market on your son’s behalf. Make some calls and set up some viewing times. If you have the time and means, meet him after his exams and go with him on his house hunt. Be supportive, positive and helpful.

My older sister was a going concern for my parents when she was younger. She wasn’t a good student, hated homework, gave them a hard time at every turn. She switched schools, had testing done, even took a year off and just did what she loved, which was dance. In the end, though everyone held an opinion on her mental health and cognition, it turns out she just didn’t like her peers and simply wanted to dance.

I got lost in the weeds. I stayed quiet when everyone was yelling and screaming; I did my homework and got great grades so my parents wouldn’t have to worry about me. But once I graduated high school and went to university, I fell apart. With no one to please, and no fights to avoid, I didn’t know how to handle myself.

I didn’t fail the year, but I did so badly that my parents are furious with me. How do I tell them what’s going on?

The Good Daughter

I suggest a private sit-down with your parents and some courageous honesty. If you don’t have the strength on your own, which is OK, I strongly suggest you enlist the help of a trusted friend, family member, or even better, a therapist. Your parents may need help with this shift; however, they sound caring and supportive. Hopefully, it won’t take much for them to see that it’s now time for them to focus on you.

FEEDBACK Regarding the deceptive daughter (March 25):

Reader – “This teenager sounds well within the bounds of normal. Some teenagers will try variations of ‘Can I stay at my friend’s house so we can work on our project?’ when they have every intention of doing something quite different, e.g., travelling to an out-of-town concert, partying (with alcohol and drugs), or having sex.

“When parents are divorced, not on the same parenting page or preoccupied with other problems, it can be incredibly easy for teens to deceive them. But since many of their plans are dangerous, it’s vital that parents are not naively trusting. You must trust them and give them increasing freedoms or they’ll never mature. But you also must confirm beforehand with the parents at whose home they say they’re staying.

“Occasionally show up at the movie theatre or other event they’re supposedly attending. If they’re there, no problem.  If not, you’ll know you were lied to.”