My friend’s common-law husband just walked away from her, their children and their life together, after more than a decade. He said he just felt as though he was living a boring married life, which he never wanted, which is why he never wanted to formally get married. He made her feel as though she had roped him in to something he never wanted.
Obviously, that’s not true, and I know because I’ve been friends with her since we were teenagers. They had a lovely courtship, dated for years, agreed mutually (though in truth, my friend had wanted a traditional wedding) to never formally marry, but lived like everyone else who had. They bought a house, had kids, worked, took their kids to soccer and dance, had birthday parties and were fixtures in each other’s families. All that was different was the ceremony and the rings.
She’s furious with him, understandably, and he’s walked away and gone off to Belize! Which infuriates her even more! Now she has to be both Mommy and Daddy, emotionally and physically, all while dealing with her own emotional upheaval, and supporting her children emotionally and financially until a settlement gets reached. She’s losing her mind and can’t see the light.
I’m there for her all the time, as is my husband and our other friends, but I feel we’re not enough. What can I do to help her?
Heartbreak
Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. No ages were mentioned, but if they’ve been “married” for over a decade and have children, then they are probably somewhere between 35-50, the age range of mid-life.
According to Marriage Builders, a forum for building lasting marriages, there are six stages to a midlife crisis: denial, anger, replay, depression, withdrawal and acceptance. (https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/1621331/six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis.html). Sounds to me as though your friend’s common-law husband is working his way through.
You’re probably doing everything you can and then some, at this acute time. Perhaps sit down with your friends and come up with a schedule so your helpfulness can last longer. Instead of everyone baking brownies and filling her freezer, each of you take a day that you’ll cook, or shop, or bake for her. Maybe she needs help Tuesdays when both her kids are in programs at the same time in different locations. Maybe her husband walked the dog every day after work while she made dinner and she needs help with that.
Talk to her. Obviously, she knows you’re supportive, but start being practical. And as far as her relationship goes, that’s for her and him to work out. Be supportive, listen, give your opinion if asked, offer advice, but they need to figure it out. I strongly suggest she find a professional therapist to help her.
My dog is the sweetest, most loveable creature. He’s warm and cuddly, friendly to anyone who gives him the time of day. He’s not an overzealous barker, never chews anything other than his toys, comes when he’s called.
But no matter how angry we get with him, he can’t stop humping my nine-year-old daughter’s leg from the minute she gets home from school until the minute she leaves. It’s annoying and frustrating and no longer fun or funny, which it was initially.
What do we do about this dog’s obsession?
Humpty Hump
Get a trainer! All behaviours can be learned and unlearned. Your dog has chosen your daughter has an outlet for his overstimulation, or excitement, OR, due to the reaction that he gets, positive or negative. In other words, attention-seeking. He needs to unlearn this behaviour.
Have a trainer observe the behaviour without bias to help rule out either the self-soothing or the attention-seeking. Then focus on the why, in order to change the outcome.
FEEDBACK Regarding singled out (Jan. 16):
Reader - “Put ALL statements in writing acknowledging what their direct supervisor has said with a copy to HR. Generate a paper trail. In your email, state ALL his past actions and ALL your attempts to address. Continue documenting in report. This will show the company that you are prepared to legally escalate matter.
“Legally, the company MUST investigate and take appropriate action. However, if nothing happens, then it’s time to initiate legal action against the company. This is harassment/bullying, pure and simple. If the company does not take any action, then this becomes case of ‘constructive dismissal.’
“Do not leave without getting compensation from the company. Under Common Law, this looks like one month per year, which I know from personal experience when my company tried to shut me up by dismissing me for taking similar action against a star employee who was harassing me.”