My best friend’s son was just expelled from school for drinking alcohol in the washroom. I found out because my daughter, who is three years younger and not at all in the same circle of friends, saw him at his locker and said hi. He waved and she kept walking, but then she heard him telling his friends what had happened.

Apparently, the janitor caught him and told the principal, who called him in to his office. His parents were then called, and he’s been expelled. While they continued the conversation with the principal, he was told to gather his things from his locker.

I didn’t speak to my friend after our usual morning check-in; and my daughter only told me tonight when I got home from my meeting. Should I reach out to my friend or wait until she reaches out to me?

Friendship Test

I’m glad I saw this letter almost as soon as it came in. I advised this person not to call her friend at 11p.m. and just let the family deal with this first night in private. This is a tough break for everyone. This boy is in his last year of high school and though he wasn’t planning on going to university, some of his doors are now closed.

I strongly believe that this boy was hoping to get caught, as in, he was crying out for more help than he was getting. Still, no parent wants their child to be expelled from school, no matter what the situation. This is not a matter of privilege or socio-economic advantage.

I advised this woman to call her friend, as normal, in the morning. If the friend doesn’t drop the bomb after the first hello, this woman should say something like, “I just want you to know that I heard what happened to (your son) and I’m here to support you and him anyway you want. So, if you’re not ready to talk about it, we don’t have to. But I needed you to know that I know and I’m here for you.” And then see how the friend reacts and move forward accordingly.

All we can do is support the people we love in the way that THEY need and want to be supported.

One of my closest friends has a son who I cannot relate to at all. He is rude to my friend in front of me, so I believe her when she says he’s rude to her in private as well. He doesn’t listen to her, doesn’t abide by her rules, comes and goes as he pleases and basically treats her like his annoying housekeeper.

This woman is a high-powered bank executive who runs a large international team of men and women. She is highly respected among her peers and colleagues. And she is extremely successful. But in front of her son, she second-guesses herself, lacks confidence and clearly accepts his disrespectful behaviour, though she complains about it.

Recently, while at her home for a dinner party, her son was blatantly rude to her and I snapped at him. She asked me to leave and hasn’t spoken to me since. What do I do?

Overstepped

Yes, you overstepped and your friend didn’t appreciate it, in the moment. If she won’t take your calls, write her a letter (email is fine). Tell her you would have spoken out to anyone who was treating someone so disrespectfully. You know she’s an amazing mom, and he’s a good kid, and it breaks your heart to watch this phase of the relationship. Apologize and apologize again. Hopefully, she’ll come around.

FEEDBACK Regarding first heartbreak (Jan. 10):

Reader – “When are people, young or old, going to stop tolerating blatant and recurrent unfaithfulness from partners who are expected to be monogamous?  We’ve had centuries of education on this issue — through literature, formal classes, countless talk shows, movies, even rewritten folk and fairy tales — and on the related subject of abuse.  Yet people behave as unwittingly as ever, so desperate for connection they’ll sign away their autonomy and even great fortunes to get it. It’s very discouraging.

“One of my best teachers always insisted that the head must rule the heart.  We’d argue passionately against him that love was better than reason.  But eventually we understood that he was merely recognizing that feelings —including hate, jealousy and rage — need to be under the control of a wiser power.  Too many of us are fine with negating our own power, and even claim doing so is a virtue, when it comes to bestowing ‘love’ on an unworthy recipient.”