One of my nephews' wives is behaving as if I'm a proverbial “perverted uncle,” a sex offender or abuser who poses a threat to her family, and that of my other nieces and nephews. This has been happening intermittently for several years and is unpredictable. She's unaware that she's made her suspicions obvious.
I only see this side of my family twice a year as they live out of town, so the foundation of her fears is unknown to me.
I don't know what to do about it, as I only see her at family gatherings.
Do you have any suggestions?
Threatened
Obviously, the first question on my mind is, are you a convicted sex offender? Because if you are, then she has every right to be wary of you.
If, however, you are none of the above and this woman has unfounded suspicions, then you need to have a sit-down with her and your nephew, and maybe even his parents, those of your generation, if possible. It’s important that you address the elephant in the room, for everyone’s sake. You don’t want to be mislabeled; you don’t want her to be uncomfortable around you and fearful for her children; and you want to be able to have a healthy relationship with your nephew and his children.
If your nephew’s wife needs you to stay further away from her children then you would prefer, just do it. For her benefit. I’m a hugger and I’m very touchy-feely, but I have a nephew who doesn’t like to be touched. I’ll ask if we can fist bump, but he’ll often say no. I must respect that, as much as I wish I could give him a big squeeze.
My partner of many years is reading too much social media. She’s convinced that Trump is going to use military force to conquer Canada. While we share very liberal values, it feels to me like she is doom scrolling, and coming across views that align with the opposite approach, convincing her that many (most?) people support those ideas, and that we are fated to be invaded, conquered, subjugated. I don’t take the threats lightly, but I don’t think the end is nigh.
Her negativity in this is incredibly frustrating for me. I am an intelligent man, but I don’t possess the same debating/arguing skills as she does. I almost never win an argument, so I don’t even try anymore, and I find these political discussions extremely exasperating.
As if these times are not troubling enough, I find myself having to put up with her increasingly negative outlook on the future.
Help!
I am seeing questions like this arise more than ever before: how do I deal with my partner, whom I love, but who has increasingly opposing views to my own. It’s frustrating.
I suggest you come up with a plan. Agree to take a social media break from dinnertime through to bedtime. Talk about your day, without bringing up politics. Watch a show together. Go for a walk, or to the theatre, play a sport, or see friends. But no politics.
Also, set up a time to have a big discussion, where no one walks away, but no one talks over the other person. This isn’t a debate. She has her views; you have yours. Let it end there. Neither of you are in the inner circle or clairvoyant. What will happen, will happen regardless of what either of you think. So don’t argue it, and don’t discuss it. Just let it be.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman looking for friends (Jan. 2):
Reader – “You said don’t jump from thing to thing in search of a friend. But she should enjoy the friendliness of the individuals she meets at those activities that she is in.
“Sometimes friendships are light and there are those moments in new activities when we get to meet and enjoy new people - and they get to enjoy us. That’s something for us to find joy in and recognize as friendliness and perhaps even friendship.
“As we get older, even long-term friends can start to disappear as they move homes, move jobs, sometimes turn away from us for reasons we’ll never know, get other friends themselves, get sick, join their children wherever they’ve moved to, etc.
“So, I think it’s actually very positive for the individual to be doing new activities and exploring new things and meeting people to connect with along the way.”