I recently started dating a guy I met through friends. He’s divorced but I’m not his first relationship since. I’ve never been married though I was once engaged. My fiancé was killed by a drunk driver before we got married.

The first time my new boyfriend and I started getting passionate with one another, he whispered his ex-wife’s name in my ear. I was completely shaken out of my intimacy fog and I pulled away, asking what he just called me. He didn’t realize it at first but then apologized. I couldn’t get back to that moment.

We got past that, and were together a few months when he fell asleep at my house one night. He woke me in the middle of the night to tell me that I was calling out my ex-fiancé’s name. No one had ever told me I had done that before (he died a few years ago now), but I believed him.

Now we’re both wondering if the other is the right match, or if, for some reason, our exes are trying to tell us something.

Ghosts

Your middle-of-the-night call out isn’t surprising. You have been through trauma and loss. To lose your fiancé in a tragic accident is life altering. I wouldn’t be surprised if you call out his name for the rest of your life (now and then).

And for him to accidentally whisper his ex-wife’s name isn’t that crazy either – if it’s a one-off.

You can read into it any way you choose, but it sounds to me as though you two are looking for a way out of this relationship. Don’t use your “ghosts” as the excuse; just go your separate ways if that’s what feels right to you.

The news today is so filled with tragedy that I find it hard sometimes to get out of bed. I have two young children and there are days when I just want to stay in bed with them, cuddling them and relishing their innocence. When all I have to worry about is changing diapers and getting them to eat their veggies. When we can just read and play games and learn about the beauty that we call life.

I recently heard about three teenage boys who died while driving to a hockey practice. My husband loves hockey and plays in a recreational league once a week. I know he’ll want our boys to play. I also just heard about three teenage sisters who committed suicide because their parents wouldn’t let them play a video game that they dropped out of school to play. I know that all kids play video games, so I’m certain mine will one day as well.

How can I bubble wrap my children so none of these tragedies befalls them?

Scared Mama

You can’t and you won’t. Because that’s not living.

Will your boys play hockey? Probably, if your husband directs them to it. And why shouldn’t they? It’s Canada’s national winter sport. But you don’t have to let them get in a car with other teenagers in the winter.

Will your children play video games? Probably, but you’ll be aware of the dangers and you’ll limit their exposure so they (hopefully) don’t become addicted.

In the meantime, yes – hold your children tight, spend hours cuddling, teach them about the beauty of this world and  love them.

FEEDBACK Regarding seniors (Dec. 23):

Reader – “I’m hoping you can let the lonely senior know about a wonderful Facebook group for seniors, called Canadian Senior Ladies. It’s mainly an online group, but ladies can connect with other ladies in their area. A subgroup has popped up in Victoria called Vancouver Island Senior Ladies and it’s changing women’s lives. They’re meeting for walks, coffee dates, luncheons and have organized a very large camping trip for September!”

Reader #2 – “I’m an 82-year-old senior, relatively fit and live alone. Since the writer plays racket sports and dances twice a week, they must also be relatively fit.

“Besides your suggestions, I would add volunteer at your local hospital. There are several roles available: directing visitors or those attending appointments, delivering mail or flowers to patients etc.

“If permitted where you live, get a companion pet. Think of the positives of being able to play sports and dance as a senior.”