My in-laws are the kindest, most generous people I know. They have us over for dinner every week, help with the kids whenever my husband and I can’t co-ordinate something, and often ask what our plans are and if they can join. They take us all on a vacation every year and give us free access to their lake house all summer long.
As I said, they are kind and generous. But – if they invite us for dinner and we already have plans, they don’t take it lightly. They almost whine and make us feel bad that we aren’t coming over. They react similarly if they call to see what we’re up to, and we have plans that don’t include them.
I like them a lot, and I love the way they grandparent our children. I don’t have a problem spending time with them at all. But I also have parents, siblings with spouses and children, and friends. And their son also has friends with children who we like to spend time with.
We also both work, have kids in school and programs, and have outside interests. Neither my husband nor I want to spend every waking minute with his parents. How do we let them know how much we love and appreciate them, but to please refrain from making us feel bad when we can’t be with them?
Guilt Trip
Your in-laws sound very loving and generous…. and lonely. I suggest you and your husband sit down at the beginning of every month (more often or less, depending on what works for your family), and book your in-laws in for an activity/meal a week outside of the dinner at their house, and any help they give you with the children.
Look at your other plans for the month. Is there an event you can invite them to attend with you? Can they join you to watch a child’s sports event? Is there even an errand you can run together, like taking your mother-in-law for a manicure, for example?
Try this for a few months. If they still try to guilt-trip you when you live life without them in tow, you may need to talk to them. Kindly, gently and without any malice. Just explain that you absolutely love spending time with them, but there are days/evenings/activities that won’t include them. Not for any other reason than that your life is full.
Just remember to be kind – and then some.
My very close friend is turning 50 at the end of the month and she’s becoming depressed about it. She never married, never had children, and now regrets the way her life has unfolded. She had a very serious long-term boyfriend who wanted to marry her and create a family with her, but she was so focused on her career that she kept putting him off. Finally, he gave up and moved on. He’s since married and has two kids and is very happy.
I’m certain that my friend thought someone else would come around…. But no one else special ever did. And now she feels that her window for all of that is closing in on her. How can I help her to move past the past and focus on the future?
Birthday Blues
Emphasize just that: you can’t change the past, but you can have a hand in altering the future. If a partner is what she wants, then she needs to actively start looking. And if she thinks she has been, she needs to come up with new places and new ways.
Keep her buoyed, keep her positive, and support her. You’re a good friend for caring.
FEEDBACK Regarding the bad situation (Nov. 21):
Reader – “There is another code for people to use in this situation, Ask for Angela has been publicized quite heavily in the UK, and is starting to be mentioned in the media on this side of the Atlantic.”
Lisi – Ask for Angela exists in Canada as well. Thank you for that information!
FEEDBACK Regarding knockin’ neighbours (Nov. 22):
Reader – “There needs to be a new acronym to describe this situation: NWB - Neighbours with Benefits.
“Also, what will their other neighbours start saying? Their relationship will eventually become obvious. Are they prepared to give the same response?
“What prompted/invited this guy to even start kissing her? Was she flirting with him? It’s not really something a responsible person would initiate, unless there was some element of invitation.
FEEDBACK Regarding money bags (Nov. 19):
Reader – “Her husband has poor self-esteem, so he is trying to buy gratification.”