My husband is having an affair, and he thinks I’m too stupid to notice. He is constantly on his phone, texting his new girlfriend. He texts her while he’s in the bathroom, sitting on our couch, and even while in bed with me!
How can I be so sure? Well, he rarely used his phone before, always complaining about my usage. He never brought his phone to the bedroom, let alone looked at it while in bed. And he is not a very emotive person…. unless he’s jovially laughing while reading her texts.
I have asked him numerous times if he’s having an affair; his answer is always no. I have asked him to show me what’s so funny on his phone, but he replies, “nothing.” I have asked him why he comes home late from work at least twice a week, smelling of alcohol and perfume. When I ask where he’s been, he says, “out for a business dinner.” When I ask about the perfume, he says it’s the waitress.
Why doesn’t he just come clean? If he’d rather be with whoever she is, then leave.
Caught by Smell
I will never understand that. I’m with you – if you want to be with someone else, then pack your bags, you know where the door is, and buh-bye. Don’t torture your spouse by leading a double life, keeping secrets and lying. That’s very immature, cruel and unnecessary.
In Canada, there is a no-fault divorce system, which basically means that the only legal ground for divorce is the breakdown of the marriage. Why that happens is somewhat irrelevant, unless criminal or abusive activity have occurred. So, he can have multiple affairs, or…. You can choose to not accept his behaviour and file for divorce. It’s really up to you at this point.
My neighbour is constantly asking me for favours. None of them are very large, or difficult, and I certainly don’t mind when I’m available or able. However, it’s at the point now where she asks me to do the most mundane things, when I can see no reason for her not to do them herself. And, on the odd occasion that I ask for a favour, she is quick to come up with any excuse to say no.
For example, when she had a bout of flu recently, I offered to take her garbage bins to the sidewalk in the snowstorm. And the next day, I brought them back to the side of her house. Two weeks later, she asked me to take her garbage out. When I asked if she was still unwell, she replied, “No, I just see that you’re taking yours out.”
Ironically, last summer when I had a broken foot, and it was raining, I asked if she would mind helping me and she replied that she had already done hers and wasn’t going out again. Thanks for nothing!
How do I get her to stop treating me like her personal servant?
Needy Neighbour
Your neighbour is unfortunately taking advantage of your good nature. And I can see that it’s hard for you to just say no, but I believe that’s what needs to be done to break the cycle, the expectation. You need to say no to her asks for a while.
Obviously if there’s safety involved, such as, salting her walk while you’re out salting yours, so she doesn’t slip, is fine. But you don’t have to grocery shop for her, or anything else. Take back your autonomy and just say NO.
FEEDBACK Regarding the workaholic wife (Nov. 14):
Reader – “Like many of my mid-life women friends with children who are teenagers or beyond, I kept myself very busy in the last years of my marriage. This wasn’t because I was a workaholic but because my husband thought ‘emotional connection’ was some odd concept I created. Additionally, I was carrying most of the mental load and the actual tasks for his life along with our two young teen/tween children, our pets, our home and lastly, myself.
“Your answer focused on the assumption that this woman is a workaholic who prioritizes everything over her husband. I suggest he ask himself, ‘Why do you think your wife doesn't want to be home?’ and ‘Why do you think she arranges so many pursuits outside your home, and spends so little time with you?’
“The validation she may be seeking - that she is a worthwhile person with whom to connect and converse - is likely being accessed outside of her relationship because she’s not getting it within her marriage.”