My current girlfriend is going through an acrimonious divorce and has kids with behaviour problems that are largely in her custody.

Early on, she told me she had a “nonserious” affair with her real estate agent whom she and her ex-husband had hired to help them purchase an investment condo. I thanked her for the revelation and told her it had to be TOTALLY over with zero communication with him. I told her I would not tolerate infidelity and the trust issues it brings out.

She said it was over, and a mistake, but since the revelation, from time to time, she has communicated with him – (a) to close the condo deal she had with him prior to our relationship and (b) when we broke up a few months back to “make me jealous” (her words). Now, after three more months together, again she mentioned she may need to still be in touch with the agent because – new info introduced - she lent him four and a half thousand dollars several years ago that he has only paid back partially!

All this makes me feel this “simple affair” may well have been (or is) more – due to the complexity of cheating in the first place, which can be repeated in our potential future.

It all makes me wonder what else is there to this or anything else? I told her to seek counselling to navigate how she should deal with convincing me the affair is OVER as I do not appreciate dribs and drabs of information every three months. Or should I just cut and run which may hurt her self-esteem as a divorcee?

Decisions

I think you’re being played. It’s nice of you to care about her self-esteem, but why? She clearly doesn’t care about your feelings. And cheating on someone is a blow to that person’s self-esteem, as in: why am I not good enough for my partner that she must be with someone else?

So, I suggest you cut and run. Find someone who you can trust implicitly. It’s not about this woman’s acrimonious divorce (though I can understand why her husband is angry) and it’s not about her behavioural children (though again, you can see why they’re acting out). It’s about your relationship with her and her ongoing relationship with a man with whom she was once (and sounds like still is) intimate.

Start your year off fresh. Better to be alone than treated poorly.

I’m hosting a New Years Eve party (Lisi: Reminder that questions are submitted in advance), and it keeps growing in attendees. I’m fine with that, but each new person who asks to come, is then asked to bring something. I’ve asked some people to bring alcohol, some to bring hors d’oeuvres, some to bring snacks etc. I’ve ordered all the main course type food, purchased all the plates, cutlery, etc. And it’s at my home and I’m decorating.

My cousin has asked if she and her boyfriend and another couple can join. They’re other party was cancelled. Of course I said yes but then asked her to bring a cheese board. She said she would bring a box of crackers and a Brie. I explained that I meant a nice board, already plattered, with several cheeses, nuts, fruit, etc. She said I didn’t need it.

How can people be so rude?

Party Bombers

I hope your cousin pulled through. What I responded to this woman privately, due to the timing, was that she tell her cousin that if she wants to come, she needs to be a participating guest. And if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to attend. No pressure. But do NOT walk in without a cheese platter or something equivalent.

FEEDBACK Regarding the lonely widow (Oct. 3):

Reader – “You missed the solution that worked for me. After a ‘grey divorce’ in my 70s, I was alone in a full-sized home in a semirural area. Coincidentally, a friend needed to retire but couldn’t see how she could manage on her projected pensions. ‘Come and live with me!’ She did, and we are two happy clams.

“We converted the downstairs into her private kitchen/dining/living area. One bedroom and one bathroom upstairs are hers. She has a patio and garden at the back and I have the front. We share the garage, laundry, sewing loft and open spaces. We laugh 10 times as often than if we were alone. You have someone to cry with (we’re both bereaved mothers). You get a driver if need be. You gain their friends and their family, too. When you add it all up, it’s a win-win.”