Years ago I was friends with a woman who was overweight. She wasn’t obese, but she was larger than chubby. It wasn’t part of our daily discussion; I didn’t care; in fact, I only noticed when she would make comments.
Our friendship waned after university, and we lost track of each other. I had no idea where she lived, if she had married, had kids, what she did for a living. I knew nothing about her.
Fast forward and I was walking through my local grocery store, when I heard my name being called. I turned around and there she was. I would never have recognized her if she hadn’t called out to me. She’s super fit, thin and muscular. She looked phenomenal!
I couldn’t help but comment on her figure as it was such a drastic change from when we were friends. She accepted my compliment gracefully, even showing off her body under her coat. But then she said something that I can’t stop thinking about.
She said, “I knew I had to make a change when you dumped me because I was fat.” I was so shocked! That is not at all what transpired!
Before I could reply, she was off, leaving me literally standing there with my jaw open. What do I do? I HATE that she thinks that, and I need to change her memory because it’s just not true.
Fat Shamed
Oh boy! That was unexpected. And clearly a shock to you. I would suggest writing this woman a heartfelt letter. And though I’m a Luddite, I would suggest doing it on your computer/phone so you can edit and delete several times before the finished product.
Start with an apology. Not because I believe you did anything wrong, but because whatever you did – purposefully or otherwise – hurt someone deeply. Then tell her your truth – but be brutally honest with yourself when doing so. If you legit believe that you never thought about her weight, or at least, it was never an issue, and that is definitely NOT why you two lost touch, tell her so.
Tell her how you remember your friendship, and the events leading up to you slowly slipping away. And then tell her how happy you were to see her, but how surprised you were at her information bomb. And then ask her if she’d like to meet for coffee or a drink. If you both live in the same city, maybe you could rekindle this friendship – though I’m not sure she’ll be open to that.
I have a dear and caring friend who is very good to me, and makes an effort to stay in touch, as I do with her. We talk about our siblings, our boyfriends, our jobs, etc. We’re both good at asking each other about each other. But I’ve noticed lately that she deflects my questions and only wants to talk about the things in my life that aren’t going well. I’m not sure if she really cares and wants to help, or if she just doesn’t want to talk about herself (and by the way, everything is always fine by her), or if she just likes to hear my problems.
I’m kind of getting irritated by her. What do I do?
Nosy Nelly
The next time you speak, try to dominate the question asking. If she manages to squeak one in, just reply with, “I really called to hear how you are. We can talk about me another time.”
And if that doesn’t stop her push, just say, “I don’t really want to talk about me today.” And don’t. No one is forcing you to open up to her. You can keep your own secrets close to your heart.
FEEDBACK Regarding privacy please (Sept. 19):
Reader – “What is it with people who feel the need to post every detail about their private lives? We used to try to hide our dirty laundry, not run it out on the clothesline for all to see. Does this supposedly tech-savvy generation still not get it? What you post online is there forever — there when you apply for a job, there when it leads to divorce court, there should you ever be criminally charged or sued, there when you meet a potential new love interest, there when you apply for a loan, there to embarrass and humiliate your children. Time to stop letting it ‘all hang out’ and start tucking a lot of it back in.”
Lisi – Ha! I am so grateful that I didn’t grow up with a cellphone recording my every mistake. There is no such word as “delete.”