My mother keeps calling my boyfriend at strange hours, asking him to help her with different problems. We do live together and are on the path to one day becoming engaged and getting married. But at the moment, he’s just my boyfriend, and not her son-in-law.

Also, if this has started now, what will she be like when he IS my husband?

My parents divorced years ago, but they maintained a cute relationship in which he would do all the yard work and fix anything that needed fixing in the house. Even after she sold our house and downsized, he would still change her lightbulbs, fix her toaster, whatever. Sadly, my dad passed away about eight months ago.

Still, my boyfriend is not her handyman! And more importantly, he’s not coming over to kill a spider at 3 a.m.!

How can I get her to stop this nonsense?

Manic Mom

Your mom sounds lonely…. and maybe a little confused. You didn’t mention her age or her health. Could she be suffering from some early mental health impairments? Might she be confusing your boyfriend with your dad?

I suggest, if you have any inkling that it’s more than loneliness, that she gets a checkup with her doctor. Tell them what you’ve been witnessing and what your thoughts are. Better to get on top of these types of issues sooner than later.

If I’m off base, I apologize. It’s hard to know what’s going on with her. Maybe she’s just lonely…

And if it’s just your mom being annoying, then your boyfriend must set boundaries. As in, he must tell her that he won’t answer the phone from 11p.m. to 7 a.m., for example, and to make a list for him to pop by for an hour on Sundays. Or whatever works for all of you.

My husband switched careers several years into our marriage. His hours, his stress and the amount of time he was putting in versus the amount of money he was making wasn’t sustainable for our family. I needed him around more, the kids wanted him around more, and we needed a larger income to supplement my income.

Together we agreed he would switch. He obviously chose his career path; I would NEVER have told him what to do. He studied, took some certifications, and learned the trade. It took time and we were financially strapped for that period. But we both prayed that this career would prove successful.

Unfortunately, the world is unpredictable and the markets fluctuate. Things happen that are out of our control, but have a direct effect, like COVID, for example. Sadly, my husband has not had the success we had hoped for. Besides the obvious disappointment, I feel he is becoming depressed, losing his spark and his self-esteem.

At the same time, I’m losing my compassion because I’m feeling stressed and pressured to make more money. I feel a negative cycle beginning that I don’t know how to stop but fear will ruin us.

Thoughts?

Career Crisis

I strongly suggest that you and your husband see a marriage counsellor. You don’t want to let resentment sneak into your relationship. That’s something that is hard to remove and covers everything with a blanket of negativity.

I also suggest that you two look at your finances together, and maybe even speak with a financial adviser. Perhaps there are areas where you can cut costs, save, or make small lifestyle changes that will put pennies back in your wallet.

And maybe it’s time to reassess both your careers to see if there’s anything else you can do – that you enjoy! – that will bring in some much-needed income.

FEEDBACK Regarding the couple where something has changed (Sept. 6):

Reader - “I agree that you need to start seeing things more clearly. I also think you should seriously start planning your ‘exit route.’  He needs to see that she is serious regarding NOT continuing with the relationship under these conditions. He needs to choose between his friends or her.  But she also needs to be prepared that he may choose his friends.

“The time for talking is over.  It’s time for counter action.”

FEEDBACK Regarding happy at home (Sept. 8):

Reader – “It’s really no one else’s business. If it works for her and her parents, then why not?  As parents agecare, it’s good to have caregivers close by.

“Plus, in today’s economically uncertain and stressful world, it makes economic sense.  How often can a woman retire in her late 50s these days?

“It sounds like a win-win to me.”