My friend’s father was just in a terrible car accident and is in hospital. Thankfully, he’s going to survive but it’s going to be months of hospital time, rehab and extra care. Her sister lives an hour from the city but has already spoken with my friend about how they’re going to help each other out.

Their brother lives about five hours away by car, but only an hour by plane. He’s single, makes a fortune, and can live his life on his terms, meaning, he has very few responsibilities. He hasn’t offered to help in any way.

My friend and her sister need their brother for financial help, but they’d also like him to be a part of their life, and to spend time with their father. They don’t understand why he’s not showing up, but they’re afraid to ask.

What can I tell them? I don’t know how to deal with these issues other than to be in your face, brazen?

Uninvolved

This isn’t your issue, and I would stay out of it. I ALWAYS strongly advise to stay out of the middle of sibling issues. It’s not a safe place to be.

However, if one of the sisters had asked me this question, my answer would be different. They are seemingly close enough to have all the conversations, safely and in a healthy, calm fashion. I would suggest that they invite their brother to come in, and even, if possible, offer him a place to stay. There is a chance that he is very scared and unable to mobilize on his own.

If he refuses to travel to his family, then I suggest they zoom with him AFTER they have had a preliminary discussion with someone who can give them a rough estimate of how much cost and time is involved in their father’s care. On the call, they need to stay calm and understand that everyone gives differently. Their brother may be incapable of giving of himself, of his time. Similarly, one of the sisters may be incapable of helping financially.

Together, they need to pool their strengths, accept each other’s limitations, and work together to make their father’s next season as enjoyable, comfortable and feasible as possible.

My husband loves to smoke pot and listen to his style of music. It didn’t bother me when we were dating because I was freer, more into smoking and enjoyed the same music. But once I got pregnant with our first child, that all changed. For me.

When the babies were wee, he took many months off from his habit, which I very much appreciated. But once we stopped having kids, and they weren’t teeny tiny, he started up again. He never smells, never smokes near them, never smokes if he is the one solely responsible for them, and never smokes if he is going to drive with them in the car.

But the whole smoking scene coupled with the style of music is just done for me. Now I can’t look at him when he’s stoned. How am I going to keep this marriage intact?

Baked Babe

It sounds as though you’ve outgrown the stoner scene. That’s not unusual. Unfortunately, your husband is right back in it. This could be a deal-breaker for you.

You’re going to need to talk to him and I imagine you may need a third party to help you both see the other person’s point of view. If smoking pot is his lifestyle, he may not want to change – for you or anyone. And if clean living, or at least, life outside of Stonerville, is where you’re at, this may be the end of the song for you two.

FEEDBACK Regarding the fundraiser (Sept. 2):

Reader – “The writer should check first with the charity to see if they donated before confronting people. They may feel that donating through her site won’t get them a tax receipt or will be judged.

“My mother got offended and confronted me when she mistakenly thought we hadn’t contributed to her charity of choice. I'm still waiting for an apology.”

Reader #2 – “There could be a litany of reasons that she got no support… they have other charities they support; the fundraising emails might have been inappropriate; they have been approached by this person for other charities, etc.

“I’ve been doing a fundraising walk for the past 20 years, and I make it clear from my initial email, that there is absolutely no obligation to support me and that I will never question their decision. Donating to charity is a personal decision and should never be questioned whether it is family or not.”