My husband is a stay-home dad and has been for over two years. His company was looking to downsize right around the time that I needed to get back to work after my maternity leave. The timing was perfect for us. And we agreed that until I was pregnant again, he would stay home, knowing that window would be more than one year and less than five (in a perfect world).
But we also discussed that in his free time he would look for work that interested him. It’s here where the problems arise. For the first six months, my husband was learning how to be a stay home dad and all that entails. I did it for a year and figured it out every day. He seemed to have a lot of trouble getting it down.
The next six months were easier for him (and our baby), and he rocked it. Once the baby was two, we were ready to start trying for another. This meant that my husband needed to have a job lined up. But he’s done nothing in the way of looking! And when I say nothing, I mean nothing.
This wasn’t the plan; this isn’t sustainable; we need another income; and I’m the one who needs to stay home once this baby is born. We can’t BOTH be off work.
How can I impress upon him that he needs to get his act together?
Get a job!
Since you are about to add another human to your household, now would be a good time to look at your finances, together as a couple. You can project how much this baby will cost based on how much your first baby has cost you over the past two years. Then, you need to add that to your living costs and project how much your older child will cost over the next year or two.
Discussing all your costs and then comparing that to your income, it should become quite clear to your husband that he needs to start contributing. It might then behoove him to hire a career coach and/or a headhunter. It can be incredibly daunting looking for new work, for almost anyone.
He may have also lost some confidence being out of the workforce for so long. Yes, he needs a kick in the pants, but he also needs support.
I am having an issue with a friend. She is very frugal. This has served her well and she and her husband are very comfortable, but the frugality continues even into retirement.
We see each other several times a week for a lunch or a coffee. I find that I am paying most of the time or she will suggest that we split the bill. I am fine with splitting the bill but am feeling that my generosity is being taken for granted. How can I change this before I become too resentful to continue the friendship?
I also am doing all the driving. She does drive and does own a car.
Cheap Friend
Before you become too resentful, you need to put boundaries in place. Moving forward, if you meet four times a week, make a deal with her that you each drive twice. ALWAYS split the lunch bill, unless it’s a birthday; and pay for your own coffees. If she doesn’t want to pay, then she doesn’t have to have a coffee. Her choice.
You could also try something different where money isn’t necessary, such as, going for a walk and sitting on a bench to chat. Dress appropriately and enjoy the nature.
FEEDBACK Regarding the livid letter writer (Aug. 27):
Reader – “As someone who has lived through this exact situation, I can't stress enough how important it is for her to get out and protect herself and her children. Her husband’s behaviour is especially egregious because it is ongoing and he’s living a secret life while trying to conceive with his wife. This behaviour shows a complete lack of respect for her and their family.
“That it could go on for years suggests he's enjoying living a double life. In my experience, partners who behave this way can never truly recover from infidelity. Despite my partner begging for reconciliation, the behaviour never stopped and only got messier with a second pregnancy. I recently learned he did the same thing to his next wife (who was not the mistress, by the way), but after they'd had three more kids.
“I strongly recommend getting out and not looking back.”