My wife is full of ideas. She is an ambitious, driven and hard-working woman. She is always coming up with ideas and sharing them with me at the dinner table. And the next thing I know, it’s become her new project. I’m in awe of how her mind works and everything that she accomplishes.
However, she doesn’t sit still, is never home and is a complete workaholic. We only have one grown child who lives across the border, and we try to see her once a month. We usually fly in together, spend a few days, but then I’m always flying home alone, and my wife stays on for a few extra days. She also tries to go on her own at least every other month.
When we’re both in the same city, she is out with friends, colleagues, networking, at events, etc. I’m almost always in bed before she even gets home. We make a point of having a date night once a week and we do something fun on one of the weekend days. But other than those committed times, I rarely see my wife.
I’m not enjoying the time alone, but I don’t want a divorce. What should I do?
Lonely marriage
Workaholics are hard to live with, full stop. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but in general, they don’t prioritize you. Because they are so strongly focused on their work, that becomes their priority.
You need to talk to your wife. She’s obviously not going to change overnight, but even a slight movement would be helpful. You say you have one committed date night a week and one full day together on the weekend. Increase that to TWO nights a week, and either a weekday lunch (if possible) or a leisurely meal the second weekend day.
If your wife is incapable of making any change towards spending more time with you and working on your relationship, you probably would benefit from a marriage counsellor. In my experience, she will still need a lot of validation from you that you respect her work and the time she puts in. She just needs to understand that your marriage also deserves respect, time and effort.
My cousin has a part-time job on Wednesday evenings looking after two small children while their parents stay late at work. The mom has a weekly roundup meeting every Wednesday evening that includes dinner, and the dad uses the time to see clients who can’t get to his office during the day.
The mom usually gets home first, showers, changes and then waits with my cousin for her husband to get home so he can drive my cousin to the subway. A few weeks ago, the mom came home drunk but stuck to her routine. Then last week, while my cousin was cleaning the dinner dishes, she heard noises outside and saw the mom kissing another man who had given her a ride home.
My cousin is so uncomfortable, and she doesn’t know what to do. Should she say something?
Awkward Position
If your cousin doesn’t need the job, then perhaps she could go one more week to spend time with the children knowing it will be her last. When the mom comes home, she could tell her that she quits. She doesn’t need to tell her why. And in fact, much depends on the age of your cousin.
If your cousin wants to keep her job, I really don’t think she should say anything. It’s not her business and the mom may fire her. I would try to help your cousin find another job and then make up any excuse and quit.
FEEDBACK Regarding summer lovin’ (Aug. 22):
Reader – “Is there more to this story that wasn’t published? What am I missing?
“What circumstances are causing this romance to end? Are they at summer camp that is shutting down? Do they live long distance from each other? Is either one going back to a job that requires relocation or travel? Or school away from wherever they spent their summer? Is one having an affair and their partner is returning?
“Why must the relationship end because the summer does?”
Lisi – I don’t know the answer any more than you do.
FEEDBACK Regarding the rude teammate (Aug. 26):
Reader – “I’ve had the same treatment as this writer experienced.
“Talk to the offending person privately way and say, ‘I know you don’t like me. That’s OK. You don’t have to - but that doesn’t give you licence to treat me badly in front of others.’
“This type of behaviour happens in the workplace also.”