I dated the love of my life for four years. But I was young and got scared, so we took a break.

During the break I had relations with another man. When my ex and I decided to get back together, I told him. He was so upset that we never got together.

Five years later I still can’t get over him or the situation. We only see each other once a year, but talk almost every day. When I question why he still continuously wants contact, he doesn't know.

I’ve asked about a future for us, but he won't give a straight answer.

I love him and believe he still loves me, although he’ll never say it. What should I do?

Hoping

Imagine how you’ll feel in five more years, if you’re still waiting and hoping, and he stops contact because he’s getting married. The anger will be at yourself for not having moved on.

Yes, it’s hard. You blame yourself, but youth naturally had you emotionally unprepared to rush into things. It was also natural, during that break, to be attracted to someone else.

Now you must protect your own chance at a future. Tell him the constant contact’s too difficult, if he can’t forgive you, better to go separate ways.

It becomes his move now, with you no longer hanging around. He has to demonstrate that he loves you, and wants you. Your acceptance of so much less from him is harmful - keeping you feeling guilty and undesired.

Several years ago, I sought the baby boy I’d given up for adoption when I was 15.

I met my husband at 18, and we dated off and on for years. He cheated on me twice. We married 13 years later, and had two children.

While growing up, not once would I have wanted to find my son. But when turning 50, I wanted to make sure he was fine and happy. And I got the call connecting us.

I told my husband that I’d given up a baby and he was upset, angry. He felt I should’ve told him when I was a teenager and when we were getting married. He’s been calling me a “slut,” says I betrayed him, and wants to leave.

He doesn’t want our kids, 18 and 16, to know. I have difficulty raising the subject as he puts me down, and hates me.

I’ve started a relationship with my son and enjoy whenever we get together. He has a partner and two little boys. Some of my siblings have met him and my mom’s been there with me.
I’ve started counselling.

Torn

You did your son an important service, as he now can know more about himself, surmount any “abandonment” feelings, and learn medical histories that could affect him and his children.

However, the situation’s more complicated because you kept the secret for so long. You were a child when you had this baby, which explains almost pretending it didn’t happen.

Realize, now, that secrets can be very harmful to everyone involved. I believe you’ll have to tell your children – they have a half-brother, and may want to know him. Also, enough other people know, so they’re bound to hear about him elsewhere, and that may make them react angrily, like their father.

Stay with the counselling and ask for directions on how to best reveal this to them, and how to safely handle your husband’s reaction. (He should know ahead if and when you’ll tell your children).

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who found a great man but isn’t attracted sexually (July 13):

Reader – “Yes, it’s important for her to discover how important "chemistry" is to her in a relationship.

“But she also needs to discuss with him the issue of physical intimacy, to determine whether they can maintain a mutually satisfying relationship. She doesn't need to disclose her lack of attraction, but can rather express a low desire for physical intimacy.

“Most important, the relationship will not function if one party is left wanting.”

Ultimately, you’re suggesting the “it’s not you, it’s me,” excuse for her disinterest in sex with him. IF they discuss or get help together on the dishonest basis of her low libido, she’ll be giving him false hope.

I believe she should give it more time (only dated three months) and if she still feels no chemistry, say so kindly, and move on.