For three years, I have had an affair with a younger man. Neither of us are young, as we are both seniors, but there is still a decent age gap, and I am the one who is older.
When we first met, it was exciting and wonderful. We had both been deprived of a sexual relationship with our previous partners, and though both relationships were perilously close to their ends, we were both still otherwise engaged. At one point, our relationship was dangerously close to being discovered, and as he wasn’t quite ready to end his marriage, he decided to scale down our communication and meetings. He blocked me on all social media and only reached out when it suited him.
I should have seen the signs and ended it then, but the sex was too good. As we continued our affair, we became very comfortable with our intimacy, and I accepted all his requests without hesitation - from sexy lingerie to oral sex.
He has just called the whole thing off and I am devastated. He’s now admitted that he’ll never leave his wife and is starting to feel incredibly guilty about our affair. Oddly, he has agreed to maintain a friendship and engage in conversation on a weekly basis.
Obviously, I want more but also wish I could just let go.
How do I move on?
Troubled Tryst
You started off by mentioning your age gap, but that’s hardly the issue here. Let’s strip this down to basics (all puns intended): if you’re that unhappy in your marriage, get out. This affair aside, you shouldn’t be living in a marriage that doesn’t suit your needs. You used the word “deprived” which insinuates that you would like more intimacy with your existing partner. I suggest you go together to a marriage counsellor and sex therapist.
However, if you are done with your marriage and the lack of sexual intimacy is just a symptom, then don’t waste your time, and just move on. Easier said than done, I know, but that’s your focus.
Hopefully, while you’re focusing on your existing relationship, your attachment to your younger man will wane. Again, I’m not judging your age – or your affair; I’m just trying to help you move on from him and his control.
Once you’ve sorted out your marriage – for better or worse – you can then focus either on the sex within or finding unattached sex and/or a new relationship.
I met a guy about four months ago and we’ve been hooking up ever since. We get along great, laugh all the time, and have great sex. We enjoy the same movies, watch the same shows and live a similar lifestyle. We love to have people over and cook, drink wine and eat great food.
Recently, I had a mild health issue and have had to abstain from all alcohol and recreational drugs. I am feeling much better; however, I’ve noticed that my guy can’t seem to get it up without engaging in alcohol and/or drugs.
I’m getting fed up and wonder if this relationship has run its course. What do you think?
Sober Sex
Regardless of your health scare, are you saying that in four months you haven’t had sexual intimacy without something to “ease” your nerves or enhance the sensation? I would say that this health issue has probably been a good eye-opener for you.
A healthy long-lasting relationship is not sustainable if you need alcohol or drugs to enjoy each other’s company. Try talking to your partner and see if he’d be willing to try sober sex with you.
Unfortunately, if it doesn’t happen, and he’s not into it, I’d have to agree that this relationship has run its course.
FEEDBACK Regarding the retiree struggling to meet new people (July 3):
Reader – “We live in a city of about 150,000 people. My mom is near 90 and is out five days a week, mostly playing euchre at various legions and senior centres. She moved here during COVID, so it took a while to meet people and was discouraging at times.
“Five years later, she has a fabulous group of friends who play cards, go out for dinner, go to shows and plays.
“It just takes a little time and persistence!”
Reader #2 – “Your response was great. Community centres and the YMCA or YWCA are good places to connect with people.
“I recommend that this person check out their local library as a means of connecting with the larger community and making new friends. Libraries have lots of programs for people of all ages and interests, from infants to seniors.”
Retired Library Assistant