We are a group of guys who all met through our wives. We are four couples, and we all get along great, thankfully. We have dinners at each other’s homes, go out to eat, and we’ve even travelled together.

This summer, I’ve picked up on some tension with one of the other couples. They seem to be going through something, but they haven’t yet shared. Of the other guys, I’m the least close with him, though I like him a lot.

I’ve discussed it with my wife, and she’s given me the green light to speak with him privately. Coincidentally, she’s the least close with his wife, though they’ve been friends for years. The woman hasn’t opened up to my wife, but my wife hasn’t brought it up with the other two either, so she may have confided in them.

Do you think I should speak with him privately?

Group Dynamics

If you feel that speaking with him will come across as supportive and caring, then yes. If you’re simply prying out of curiosity, then no. It’s not your business, even if you want to help and support. The tension could be related to their relationship, someone’s health, their financial situation, one of their jobs, or something else completely.

You could just say something like, “Hey, you seem off. Are you OK?” And leave it at that. He’ll either share with you or not. But do NOT press him.

It’s the hottest summer I can remember, and I have spent a lot of time up at our family cottage. I’m in my early 30s, single and can work from anywhere, if I’m not near the office. My older brother is married, and his wife had their first baby this summer, so they have barely been here. My younger sister has come up whenever she has had the chance, but it’s only accounted for a few days here and there.

Unfortunately, my mom has had some mobility issues and can’t come up, and so my dad is mainly staying with her, but has come up here and there as well.

I thought my being at the cottage was helpful for everyone, as I could take care of any maintenance, which I’ve done, and kept it lived in. But it seems I’m wrong. I’ve apparently pissed everyone off, especially my dad. He has just called me and given me a lecture on family, responsibility and financial accountability.

What am I missing?

Cottage Care

There is definitely something missing here, and I imagine you know what it is but are in denial over it. If I only have your letter to work from, you portray yourself as the helpful, easygoing child.

Have you offered to help your mom at all this summer? Have you offered to give your dad a break from taking care of your mom? Have you been there for your pregnant sister-in-law? Have you seen the new baby, brought gifts, offered to help the new parents?

These are a few things that I can think of…. perhaps there are more. What about the bills from the cottage? Since you’re the only one there, are you offering to pay the hydro bill? Internet? Water?

I’m simply suggesting that your father may be feeling as though you are taking advantage, freeloading and not being a helpful or involved family member.

Go home. Visit the baby, bring a gift and offer to pick up dinner. Take your mom to any appointments she may have. Tell your dad to go up to the cottage and have a holiday. Make sure the place is spotless, beds made, and there’s food in the fridge.

FEEDBACK Regarding Miss Interpreted (May 26):
Reader – “I feel for the friends having to use so much energy with their longtime friend who constantly misinterprets what is said. This may be a case of dyslexia beyond switching numbers and letters. For some, their brain flips words around while listening; their brain twists the meaning of what has been said.

“It is exhausting for both the friend and the group. Imagine living like this! Friends could research this and see if it applies. Then they might speak with her parents or a professional on how to approach their friend.

“The parents may already be suspecting something but haven’t been able or willing to take the next step.

“After all, isn’t this what friends are for?”

Regular Reader

FEEDBACK Regarding the tween girl parent (May 27):
Reader – “This is an awesome ‘life lesson.’  Sometimes life just sucks.

“Be the better person.”