I’m 70, married with four children ranging in age from 18 to 28. My three eldest children have moved back to the country from which I emigrated over three decades ago. My parents are still there, as are my two siblings and their families, including children within my children’s age range.
My husband and I are done. We have nothing in common and no longer love each other. I would love to just up and move back “home.” But my youngest child has one more year of high school and then most probably, four years of undergrad university here. It’s expensive to fly back and forth, and I know that once I make the move, I’ll stay there for the rest of my life. There is where I want to retire, grow old and relax.
But I’m not sure I can make it another five years in my marriage. And I don’t think he wants to either. What do you suggest as next steps?
Return from exile
If you AND YOUR HUSBAND both agree that your marriage is over, then the only work to be done is legal and logistical. (Note: I’m not saying both parties must want to split to divorce. I’m reflecting what the letter writer has said). You don’t need to stay together, to remain in the country in which your youngest attends school.
If both parents are around to help this youngest child finish high school and move on to higher education, then they will feel supported, which I gather is your worry. You and your husband can split, live apart, and if you know you’ll be leaving, it should be even helpful for you to downsize. Yes, it’s expensive to fly, but perhaps you could make the trip once in the next five years, to bring over some of your things and look for lodging, and for your youngest to see their siblings.
Look at your finances, split your assets (which you don’t want anyway, since you’re moving abroad), downsize and divorce. Then spend the next five years doing all the things this country has to offer and prepare to leave.
My son has started a hobby making wooden charcuterie boards. They are beautiful! I have seen similar boards for sale at several farmer’s markets and community arts markets, and they go for a pretty penny. I’m trying to convince him to get into the marketplace, but he refuses. He won’t even entertain the discussion.
How can I get him to see what’s so obvious to me?
Wasted Talent
You haven’t mentioned the age of your son, which would matter. Perhaps it’s your approach. Maybe offer to buy one from him. Maybe tell him that your friend saw it at your house and would also like to purchase one. Perhaps he’s not capable of dealing with people, in which case, maybe creating an online market would be the better route.
Think outside of the box; don’t push your ideas on him; recruit other people whom you know he trusts. At the end of the day, if he chooses not to sell them, that’s his choice.
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple looking to compromise (April 22):
Reader #1 – “Since I have ADHD, I also have a lot of trouble with music in the house since it pulls my attention from reading, writing, chores or anything else I'm doing. However, my husband loves to have music and podcasts always playing. Our happy compromise? He wears open-ear headphones, which directs the sound waves towards your ear canal without plugging or blocking out other sounds. That way he can listen to what he wants, and we can still have a conversation. Might be a good solution for your reader.”
Reader #2 – “An easier solution would be for the music lover to get ear buds or over-the-ear headphones. Then they can be together, each doing what they enjoy while enjoying each other’s company. I was a big reader through my early years up to the present and have been a musician since age five. As a typical teen of the ‘70s, I loved rock and roll. However, when reading, I would go from the rock stations on the FM dial to the jazz and classical, where the music didn’t usually have lyrics and singing. That was a great background sound for reading which also opened my appreciation for new (to me) kinds of music. The absence of lyrics doesn’t distract from the words you are trying to read, and you get both left and right brain stimulation at the same time.”
Lisi – I think the left/right brain stimulation is very interesting.