I started dating a guy I met at the library. We’re both doing postgraduate work at the same university. I noticed him a few times I was there, and we smiled at each other, but didn’t speak. Then one day he came to sit with me at my table, and we got to chatting. We kept trying to study but then we’d continue talking.
We met up the same time the next day and finally agreed that we should take our conversation out of the library. So, we went to a café and chatted, tried to study, chatted more. We then went on a proper date to a movie we were both dying to see and for drinks afterward.
It wasn’t until we had been dating for almost a month when we went for our first dinner date. I was appalled at his table manners! He can’t hold a fork properly, stabs at his food, eats with his mouth open and chews very loudly. It was awful!
Now I don’t know what to do because I really like him! But I can’t ever eat with him again.
Bad Manners
Oh no! This is a tricky one! You haven’t really been together long enough to criticize his poor etiquette, but you’ve been together long enough that you need to eat together – and that’s something people usually do three times a day!
Do you think it’s something you could bring up in a hypothetical situation? As in, while you’re getting to know each other and asking all the questions (depending on your age), such as, do you want kids one day? How many? What would you do if I snore? How would you tell me if you hated burping and I burped a lot, etc.?
I guess it really depends on how much you like him thus far, and if you think he’s worth working on. Only you can answer this one.
One of my friends keeps talking about this guy that she has a crush on. She talks about him incessantly! She met him while getting ice cream with a friend a week or so ago, and now she drives by the ice cream store every night at the same time to see if he’ll show up. It’s kind of cute and kind of obsessive.
At first, we would all pile in her car to see if we could catch a glimpse, but now we just take turns. She hasn’t seen him again and she’s starting to get depressed. I feel badly for her, but she only met him once and they only spoke for about half an hour.
How can I help her move on?
Smitten
I don’t think it’s your place to decide when your friend needs to move on from an innocent crush. She’s not cheating on anyone with her feelings, nor is it stopping her from living her life. It’s only been a week or so, according to you, so it hasn’t hit the obsession mark.
However, you say she’s becoming depressed. Is that just an expression, or is she really starting to show signs of depression? If she is, then she needs professional help and the best thing you can do is help her find someone to talk to. If it is just an expression, and she’s just feeling deflated from the high of meeting someone she found attractive – and not able to find again – then you can just be supportive.
It’s the summer; offer to take her to the same ice cream place every night for another week, then have her take a break. Tell her it won’t help to make herself crazy looking for this guy…. then take her out dancing. Maybe she’ll meet someone there.
FEEDBACK Regarding the triple decker sandwich (April 14):
Reader - “One of the most helpful things a friend can do for someone with dementia is to encourage them — while they’re still mentally capable — to designate a trusted person with medical and financial power of attorney (POA). It’s also essential that this person fully understands her wishes for care as her condition progresses.
“Time may be limited for her to sign these documents while she can still do so with full understanding. It’s also critical that she makes clear arrangements for her future care needs now.
“I’ve seen situations where a distant relative holds POA and ends up making decisions that prioritize preserving the person’s estate rather than honouring their wishes. That’s why everything must be clearly documented while she still has the mental capacity to decide. End-of-life preferences should also be clearly expressed.”
Lisi – I agree.