I’m divorced a few years with one tween-age daughter. It took me years to get out from under the marriage and divorce because my ex was the king of gas lighters. He made me feel so small and that everything was my fault. I withdrew deeper and deeper into myself until I had a mild breakdown.

During that time, instead of stepping up to care for me and our daughter, he took it as “free time” and went off gallivanting. His parents stepped in, thankfully, took care of my daughter, and me, and started proceedings for unfit parenting towards their own son. They refused to give my daughter back to him, and when he threatened to call police, they called his bluff.

I’m healthy now, thanks to my ex-in-laws and their unwavering support for myself and my daughter. They have disowned their son and have basically adopted me in his place. He’s an only child, as am I, and my parents were elderly when this was all happening. They have both since passed.

But I’m now ready to date and to show my daughter what healthy relationships look like. My in-laws are very protective – of us both. How do I navigate this?

Starting Over

I believe it’s important for you to have a sit down with your ex-in-laws and tell them how you’re feeling. My gut says they’ll be happy for you, and protective. That’s OK; it’s even nice. I’m sure they understand that you deserve a healthy relationship, and that their granddaughter deserves to know that exists. They’ve proven to you that they don’t condone their son’s behaviour, and that the health and welfare of both you and your daughter are extremely important to them.

Give them the respect they deserve and talk to them. Discuss together how you can date without introducing your daughter to every new person; how they can support you, protect you and help you.

My girlfriend’s father is a religious man and would be extremely unhappy if he knew that his daughter is bisexual. He’s not that clued in, so he just thinks we’re good friends. I’m over at the house all the time and even sleep over often. He just thinks it’s cute that we’re so close.

But I get the feeling that her mom is catching on. I don’t think she would have a problem with her daughter’s sexuality, but I’m not sure. She hasn’t said anything to either of us, but I feel her staring at us a lot.

Should I encourage my girlfriend to talk to her mom if she promises not to tell her dad?

Religiously opposed

It’s hard for me to respond not knowing how unhappy your girlfriend’s father would be with this information. I don’t want to encourage her to do something that would put her in danger. As a married couple, it would be hard for your girlfriend’s mother to hold such a big secret from her husband. And when and if he found out, would his anger then be directed toward her as well?

I suggest talking to your girlfriend. Maybe you two could start spending less time at her house and more time at yours. Put some distance between your relationship and her parents.

If you feel that your safety is compromised, be careful. If she believes her parents are perhaps more progressive than you’re making them out to be, then she could confide in her mom and see how it lands.

I believe everyone should be allowed to love whomever they wish. But I’m not your girlfriend’s parents.

FEEDBACK Regarding teenage angst (March 28):
Reader – “I agree with you that the friend’s daughter, who’s being found on their porch and backyard, has chosen their house as a safe place.

“Yes, it would be good if this woman could privately talk to this teenage girl, and she could begin her conversation with, ‘I’m glad you’ve found our home to be a safe place.’

“However, the first thing this girl is likely to say is, ‘please promise not to tell my mother.’ The woman then needs to plan her response, perhaps along the lines of, ‘if this is something we can work out together, then I don’t need to tell your mother the details. However, if this is something more serious, I’ll go with you, and we’ll tell your mother together. I cannot promise that I will not tell her if there are serious implications, but we can plan that together.  I will always try to make my home a safe place for you.’”