One of my closest friends, from middle school, through high school and into university has just dumped me. She pretends she hasn’t, but she has. We used to do everything together – walk to class, meet for coffee breaks, find each other at lunch, study together in the library and spend our evenings tother socially.
Now, she throws excuses at me constantly. She can’t walk to class because she needs to leave early and see her professor. She can’t meet for coffee because she’s meeting a project partner to discuss school work. She has no time for lunch and so on and so on. But then I see here walking with some of her other friends, or I bump into her at the coffee shop.
I’ve tried to ask her if she’s upset with me, or if she’s angry about something, but she just blows me off. It’s clear something’s up. Why can’t she just discuss it with me?
Friend No More
Friendships change over the years; people change. Yes, often old, dear friends – the ones who knew you before any of the garbage – remain your best friends for life. But sometimes, those same people, the ones you couldn’t live without, become people you no longer share commonalities with and your friendship wanes.
Usually, unfortunately, it starts one-sided, and the other person feels confused and hurt. That’s where you’re at right now. It’s not a nice feeling, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. You can try to talk to her once more, but if she’s not willing to discuss it with you, then let it go. Move on. Find other friends.
Maybe, maybe she’ll come back to you one day. If and when she does, you can decide how to react. For now, rise above it, even though it hurts.
I have a HUGE crush on my lab partner, and he doesn’t even know I’m alive. I mean, he knows I’m there, beside him, working, but he thinks I’m so dumb because I’m never paying attention to anything he says. I can’t help it. I just zone out when I’m near him. He’s brilliant, funny and super cute.
I’m an intelligent person and have worked hard to get where I’m at, in this specialized program. I don’t want to blow it because of this crush, but I’m paralyzed by him! When we work separately, I get everything done and am on top of it all.
Sometimes I think he thinks I’m cheating or getting extra help because I’m incapable of focusing when we’re together. How can I break this spell he has me under and do the work when we’re together? I feel so childish!
Spellbound
You’re the only person who can “break the spell” because YOU are creating it. He’s not doing anything other than probably wondering how you got in the program. Not to state the obvious, but have you asked to switch partners? Perhaps working with a different partner will allow you the freedom to focus on your work and NOT be distracted by this person.
The other option would be to ask your lab partner out for a drink, or coffee, or lunch, and break the ice. Get to know him outside of lab hours and you may realize he’s not the guy for you, or he’s otherwise engaged, or he’s a great guy and you can now be yourself in the lab.
Crushes are sweet but not if they debilitate you from moving on with your life. And as I said, only you can shake off the fog created by the crush. Probably, he has no idea that you have a crush on him.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding new rules:
“A few years ago, my high school class celebrated 50 years. The reunion was in my hometown; I live elsewhere in the nation. At the event I saw many people whom I well-remembered; among them was a close friend from student days with whom I had lost touch.
“Like me, he is now retired, very well-off, and he lets you know it. He mentioned several times that he was going overseas for three weeks first-class. His wit is dry, and I always think he is writing at me, not to me. I am not interested in further contact, as a result.
“I have learned that if a correspondent is no longer in touch, you must never ever ask why.”
Passing Years
Lisi – I’m not sure I agree with your last statement. If you had an ongoing rapport with someone and they stopped communication suddenly, I think it’s fair to ask.