I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, since 10th grade. For the past three years, we’ve been living at my in-laws' house while saving for a home. While I’m grateful for the opportunity to save money, it’s been difficult to live in someone else’s home, as I often feel like a guest. There’s also a power dynamic, which makes it challenging to truly relax.

For example, I always feel pressure to immediately clean up after myself. I also frequently get asked what I’ll be making my husband for dinner, and how I take care of him - remarks that make me uncomfortable and stressed.

My husband is the first-born in a European family and seems to be the favourite, which adds to the pressure I feel. I’ve always been kind and caring toward his entire family, doing my best to be respectful and considerate. All I want in return is to be treated with the same kindness and respect.

My mother-in-law has been out of work for three years since her diabetes diagnosis and has struggled to get it under control. My husband and I have debt on his side, and coupled with the rising cost of living, it’s been even harder to save.

I’ve been working on not letting comments affect me, but recently, a situation occurred that really upset me. One evening, after dinner, I remained seated while my mother-in-law got up to wash dishes. She looked at me and sarcastically asked, "Are you on vacation?" I was caught off guard because I didn’t feel it necessary to immediately jump up.

I calmly responded that I would, of course, help and listed the things I’d already done. This led to a conversation about how I feel living in the house, which I thought was productive. However, the next day, I overheard her speaking to her own mother-in-law, mocking our conversation and even spreading untrue statements, claiming that I send my husband listings for million-dollar homes - something that’s never happened.

I was shocked and hurt, as I never expected her to speak negatively about me, let alone fabricate things. I told my husband what I overheard, and now we’re unsure how to proceed. I’m currently unemployed but am considering moving out once I find a job.

What makes this even more difficult is that I’ve always wanted a good relationship with my mother-in-law. In fact, I’m currently planning a surprise party for her 50th birthday. She’s done kind things for me, like throwing me a bridal shower, so this feels even more confusing.

I don’t want to make things worse, but I also don’t want to continue feeling uncomfortable at home.

How do I move forward in my relationship with her?

Desolate Daughter-in-law

I feel for you because I gather you feel trapped with no exit. Your MIL is going through a medical crisis which is surely affecting her mood. Diabetes can be very tricky to monitor. She probably wants her privacy back as much as you want your own independence. And neither of you have a job so you’re both just home all day, in each other’s space.

But it’s her home, so you’re the one who needs to accommodate. Make a daily plan, for example: after cleaning your room and washroom, leave the house for a café or the library where you can job search. After a few hours, go home and make dinner, for everyone. You’re still a guest in their home, albeit a long-time guest, and they’re getting tired of you in their space.

You’re half your MIL’s age; don’t expect her to clean the dishes or partner with you. Just do it. And get your husband to help. He shouldn’t be acting like a child in his parents’ home.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man whose wife no longer wants sex (several columns):

Reader – “Recently, your column was from a man who had a lovely sex life with his wife for 25 years. Suddenly she declared she no longer wants any sex with him, nor any other closeness.

“Does she have some medical issue? Does sex cause her physical pain? That’s not unusual. Could she be cheating on him, having an affair? Is her husband doing something new sexually that turns her off (somewhat abusive, or something unacceptable to her...?) Is she no longer in love with him?

“Has the man gained weight or otherwise let himself go, quite common at that age. That can be a turnoff. Has he drastically changed his appearance in some way, such as grown a beard? Also, a possible turn-off. Has his hygiene slipped? Too few showers, bad breath...?

“Just some possible reasons….”