I recently went to a new doctor for help with my tinnitus. It was a private clinic, very nice, and the secretary was warm and friendly. There were plenty of places to sit, but sitting sometimes makes the pain worse, so I was standing and rocking back and forth.

A man came out to speak to the secretary, gave me a look, didn’t say anything and disappeared. He walked by twice, never nodding or speaking. 20 minutes later, this same man came out and to my surprise introduced himself as the doctor.

When we went into his office, he asked for my “story,” but seemed distracted while I was speaking. He then gave me a matter-of-fact response as to how he could try to help me but wasn’t convinced of the results. And then he just looked at me.

We agreed on a two-week trial of something he suggested and a followup visit. But I left feeling empty. I’m not sure I want to return. What do you suggest?

Down Doc

I think I understand your issue. I have often been told to see this or that clinician, that they’re the BEST. Then when I meet them and have the appointment, they’re not so great. We are all human. We have good days and bad days. We have organic connections with some people, and we don’t click with others. There’s no tangible reason for that.

You are in pain, had heard this doctor could help you, and were then disappointed with his lack of warmth, his demeanour, and his lack of confidence in helping you. That would be frustrating and disappointing to anyone. But you’re not out to make a friend. You need medical attention.

I suggest you do the two-week trial and go for a follow-up. He may not have the perfect bedside manner, but let’s hope he knows what he’s doing. If you see an improvement after the two weeks, regardless of his personality, go back for a third time. But if his personality is really rubbing you the wrong way, find another doctor.

Focus on getting better – that’s what matters here.

This year I decided to do something different. Instead of making New Years’ resolutions, I made year-end reconciliations. I realize that there are people who are dear to me who I have wronged with mindless speech. This has led to the severance of treasured relationships.

So, I have decided to email my sincere and unreserved apologies for the hurtful speech that I have uttered. I do not expect forgiveness, as welcome as that would be, but to try to ease some of the pain that I have caused. It has provided an unexpected bonus, I have remembered (emotionally as well as episodically) the great feelings that we had together.

Hopefully when I am tempted in the future to utter unskilful words, I will refrain. There is an old Jewish proverb that it is easier to collect a pillow full of down feathers that has been scattered to the winds than to take back hurtful words.

But not everyone who I reach out to is responsive. Why do you think that is?

Remorseful

I like your thought process, of apologizing to those you have wronged. But perhaps you should be more mindful of the way you speak to people in the present, so you won’t have to ask their forgiveness for the way you spoke to them in the past. Not everyone is going to accept an email apology if you really hurt them. If the relationship meant something to you, make a stronger attempt at reconciliation.

We all make mistakes, we can all do better. One step at a time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the aromatic abode (Dec. 16):

Reader – “As a teen I had a similar experience with ethnic food. I envied the store-bought cookies my friends enjoyed, like Fig Newtons and Maple Leaf cookies. In our home we had handmade cookies regularly and they were great, but, in my mind at least, did not stack up to the fancy varieties filling the store shelves.

“Somehow our mother got the message and would stretch the budget to bring in some treats from the store. A decade later I learned about preservatives, sugar, artificial flavouring and taste. I then realized that at home, what came out of the oven began with anticipation from the delightful aromas, with fresh, real ingredients, and the most important ingredient of all was the love to be found in every bite.

“My mom has been gone for 30 years, and I still miss those wonderful homemade cookies.”