My friend’s mom is suffering through some medical issues right now. My friend hasn’t told me anything, but her mom and my mom have a mutual friend. My mom started to discuss it with me figuring I already knew, but I had no idea what she was talking about. The mutual friend didn’t tell my mom not to say anything, so my mom assumed it was public knowledge.

I want to support my friend, but I’m not sure what to do. She’ll know I know because my mom is helping her mom with some aspects of the situation, so obviously my mom knows.

Do I just call her and tell her that I know and tell her I’d like to support her anyway she needs? Or do I pretend I don’t know? Agh! I’m so confused!

Fake Fade

This is easy. She’s your friend and she’s hurting. She’s probably scared for her mom, too. And she may be a very private person. But you know what’s going on, so you need to show your friend love and support.

Call or pop over, whichever feels right to you, and bring her something. Just a gesture – her favourite ice cream, a gift card to her favourite coffee shop, for example. If she lives with her mom, bring her something as well. Tell your friend that you know what’s going on with her mom, that you won’t share with anyone if she would prefer you keep it quiet, but you’d like to support her.

Pretending that you don’t know, when she already knows you know, is extremely disingenuous and will just get complicated later. Address the elephant now. She’ll appreciate your candour.

My daughter is 17 and attends a private school in our neighbourhood. The school is subsidized for her because she has some physical disabilities, and it’s recognized as being a better environment for her than our local public school. She has fit right in, has plenty of friends and is excelling academically.

Last week, a friend of hers offered to drive her home after school as the sidewalks were very slippery and icy. I know the friend and was grateful for her thoughtfulness. Unfortunately, she had no idea that her mom had forgotten to get her snow tires put on for the season, and the girls slid into another car. Thankfully, both girls were wearing seatbelts, and no one was injured. But they were both shaken. The friend has only had her license since her birthday last May.

I’m so angry that this mother gave her daughter an unsafe (for the season) car to drive, didn’t inform her daughter, who then unknowingly put my daughter at risk. I think I would feel a lot better if she bothered to call and apologize – but she hasn’t! I want to scream!

Mama Bear

I feel your frustration. I believe I would be just as angry and upset as you if that happened to my child. How well do you know this other mother? If you’re friends, you could call, share your gratitude that no one was hurt, and then ask her when she’s getting her snow tires on. Hopefully that’ll trigger an apology, which I believe will make you feel a bit better.

If she’s not a friend, then I wouldn’t call. If she doesn’t have the wherewithal to call and apologize for her negligence, then you won’t illicit an apology from her over the phone. She’s thoughtless.

Hold your daughter tight, be grateful she’s fine, and lesson learned. In winter weather, don’t accept rides from people who don’t have safe vehicles. You’re better off walking.

FEEDBACK Regarding the heartbroken mom (Nov. 27):

Reader – “For many people, healthy food, exercise, diets, fasting, and/or bariatric surgery do not work, no matter how good the intentions. Self-reliance and determination are wonderful attributes in most situations in life. But when it comes to addiction, as you probably know, determination is useless. And strange as it may seem, it is possible to be as addicted to food or to certain foods as it is to be addicted to alcohol.

“A wonderful resource for people like her son is Overeaters Anonymous. In their rooms (both actual and online rooms) he will find himself surrounded by people who know exactly how he feels. He will meet others who have felt as hopeless and depressed as he does and who have found a solution that works for them.”

Lisi –Overeaters Anonymous is a 12-step program that has been around for 65 years and is available in over 75 countries.