My ex-husband is a loser. He has zero ambition, zero social skills and zero personality. Hence the reason why he’s my ex. But before I recognized all the red flags, and had somehow fallen in love with him, I also had a child with him.
Over the course of the past decade, he’s been mostly a deadbeat dad. He rarely took the kid when it was his weekend, rarely called, mostly just disengaged. Now the child is old enough to say, “No thanks. I’m not interested in spending time with you.” And doesn’t.
Initially he tried to get away without paying child support but his dad is a millionaire so that didn’t fly. I took him to court and got all my money he owed in arrears, plus a fine. And he’s paid monthly, on time, ever since.
My problem is that he has met a new woman who seems to want to change him – and I think she’s having some success. He seems to conjure up some tiny amount of personality, and obviously enough socialization to have met her. Great for her, and him, but they’re focusing on our child, and I don’t like it. I always wanted our child to have a relationship with his father, but I just don’t trust this. What should I do?
Vexed Ex
A lot depends on the age and maturity of your child. There isn’t a specific age when a child is allowed to disengage with one parent or the other. There are court decisions made during custody hearings, which can change over the course of the relationship.
However, you mentioned that your child was old enough to speak his mind. He obviously had his reasons why he didn’t want to spend time with his dad, but perhaps those reasons are no longer existent since your ex has turned over a new leaf.
Take it slow, take your cues from your son, be supportive, but protective.
Every Wednesday one of my coworkers gets overly excited that it’s “hump day.” He takes the sexual connotation and runs with it. He’ll literally walk up to all his buddies and grind up against them chanting, “Hump Day! Hump Day!”
A few of the other women complained when he rubbed up against them and he was reprimanded. But we are all friendly in the office, and he’s otherwise a great guy, so none of those women pushed the issue. Fortunately, he’s never rubbed up against me because I would lose it! It’s a trigger for me because that’s how my step-uncle abused me when I was a child. But even just seeing him do it to others is really triggering for me.
What do I do? He’s actually a friend.
Humpty Hump
You need to talk to your friend and soon. You’re triggered by his actions, others have openly complained, and he’s still doing it. And for his job security, he needs a wake-up call. The next person who complains is going to succeed in getting him fired.
You said he’s your friend, so go out for dinner with him. But I strongly suggest you bring one of the other women along, one who has already complained and whom you trust. Tell him why his actions aren’t funny, cute or endearing. Tell him about your past. Tell him you don’t want him to be fired. Now together, come up with some other mid-week excitement that breaks up the monotony of the work week.
Hopefully, he’ll appreciate your story, your past, and your concern. He needs to grow up.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the guy who fails to fail (Nov. 20):
“My immediate thought about the friend who always manages to land on his feet was that the reader’s issue might in fact be about injustice.
“In these politically fraught times, I have been reflecting on what bothers me most about what's happening south of our border. It’s not so much about a deeply flawed human being, but the fact that the choices made by this human being appear to have no consequences. The 'laws of nature' don't seem to apply to them as they would to the rest of us.
“The friend's situation is not at all the same, I realize, but I think it's just human nature that we hope our mortal actions have just consequences - good or bad (except of course when they apply to us personally!)”
Lisi – Yes, then we wish for immunity.