My daughter is an only child. My wife and I tried so hard to get pregnant with her, that once she was here, we just couldn’t go through the process again. We agreed to be satisfied with one child.
And we are; we adore her. She was an easy baby, an adorable toddler, a precocious preschooler and an intelligent and curious child. She loves her mom and is somehow Daddy’s little girl are rolled into one. She obviously gets LOTS of attention as we dote on her and spend all our free time with her.
She’s mostly happy but…. something just feels off. I mentioned it to my wife, but she pooh-poohed me. I mentioned it again, and she got angry with me. Now I don’t know where to turn. I still think there’s something off with my daughter, but I can’t talk to my wife about it.
What do you suggest?
Disturbed Daughter
You haven’t given me any specifics on what exactly you feel is off, so it’s hard for me to advise you on what to do. However, I strongly believe in gut feelings and instinct, so I don’t think you should ignore those.
I would talk to your wife again and be very specific about what you’re seeing and feeling. She may disagree, she may be in denial, she may dismiss you – but as your daughter’s father, your feelings have equal weight. You didn’t specify your daughter’s age, but referred to her as a child, which means you’re still responsible for her well-being.
Make an appointment with her pediatrician for an overall assessment and then tell your doctor what you’re seeing and feeling. They may send your daughter for some tests or explain that it’s all normal. The point is, you need to explore what you’re worried about to get past it, whether it’s something or not.
A friend of mine has moved from another city closer to our hometown, where I still live. We were very close as teenagers and then went our separate ways. We keep in touch now with social media, but there were many years where we didn’t. We both married, had kids and divorced. I think that’s why she’s essentially come home.
We got together in October for a coffee and a re-acquaint. We laughed while reminiscing about our high school days and caught up on all our details. We agreed to meet again for lunch, which we did and delved deeper into what we’ve both been doing over the past decade or so. We made three plans before we parted: to go for a dog walk on a Sunday afternoon, right before the holidays; to meet up for drinks the week between Christmas and New Year’s; and to attend the same party on New Year’s Eve that we’d both been invited to by separate friends.
During the dog walk, I saw a side of her I really did not enjoy. She’s a screamer. I obviously understand sometimes needing to call your dog’s name loudly, but she didn’t raise her voice or change her tone; she screamed – repeatedly. And the night we went for dinks, she had a few more than me and got loud and sloppy. I had to put her in an Uber and send her home. Finally, at the party, she was just a mess: drunk, sloppy, throwing up, making out with anyone who would and LOUD.
How do I end this new-found friendship? She keeps calling.
Not Interested
Get busy with your life. You had a full existence before her return, so get back to it. You could agree to coffee or lunch again, as those were safe spaces, but don’t agree to dog walking, parties or drinks. Let it play out.
FEEDBACK Regarding neighbours (Oct. 25):
Reader – “Your advice to the woman who overreacted so dramatically to her neighbour’s barking dog was right on — the woman should apologize.
“However, you suggested that if one wants peace and quiet they should move to the country. The country is not quiet; the noise is just different: Crowing roosters, bleating sheep, braying donkeys, heavy trucks and farm machinery, chainsaws and wood splitters, and the rumbling of generators. The country noise doesn’t bother me, and I can enjoy the stars on a clear night without interference from city lights and breathe fresh, clean air.
“Also, the writer said she bought a house so she ‘wouldn’t have to live near renters.’ As if every renter was a terrible neighbour and every property owner a good one. The notion that renters are automatically bad neighbours (and property owners automatically good ones) is as offensive as it is untrue.”