I’m 24 years old and have just moved back home. My mom passed away last year, leaving my dad to care for my twin 16-year-old sisters. It was a disaster. I didn’t come home right away as I was finishing my degree… and I thought my dad could handle it.

But he can’t. He’s devastated by my mom’s passing. It happened so quickly. She got sick, they found a brain tumour, and she was gone – all within six months. And I thought my sisters would be OK because they have each other. Wrong again.

So I decided to come home and help the family regain some balance. I know I’m young and I’m also reeling from my mom’s death, but for some reason I feel I can handle this.

Do you think I’m doing the right thing?

Sissy in charge

Yes…. and no.

I think it’s amazing that you want to go home and help your dad and your sisters. But I don’t think you need to “take charge.”

I’m sure your dad will appreciate having you home because you’re his daughter, he loves you and you are a reminder of your mom. But he won’t expect you to fill her shoes, nor should you. Between the four of you, you’ll have to figure out how to fill in the holes of what your mom used to do around the house (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.). And your little sisters will need your big sister love, support and advice more than ever.

Supporting your dad and being there for him will be appreciated, but you’re his daughter and he just lost his wife.

I strongly believe that all of you would benefit from grief counselling, together and individually.

My child was born with a large protruding birthmark on his collarbone. We were told it would shrivel on its own and eventually fall off. Both sets of grandparents constantly commented on this extraneous lump. It was hard to miss as it was bright red. I would try to tuck it into his pyjamas or T-shirt, but it would always pop out. Other babies would always reach for it. I found it so stressful to constantly be on alert if anyone touched him.

By the time he was three, I was worried that when he went to a program without me, nursery or even JK, some other child would inadvertently pull it off. So I consulted with a surgeon and we had it removed.

It’s three years later, he’s totally fine, you’d never know it had even existed. However, the same foursome who consistently bothered me about it when it existed constantly berate me for having it removed.

How do I get my parents and in-laws off my back?

Mom’s decision

The first person you need to talk to is your husband. I can only assume that he was on board with the removal of this lump. Discuss with him what he thinks is the best way to get through to both your parents.

Here’s an idea: If you’re willing and have the time, you could make a PowerPoint presentation, half-jokingly, filled with photos of your baby with the birthmark, and your child without the birthmark. Add scientific information, letters from your doctor and any other research. Then invite both sets of parents over for dinner and a show.

Once it’s over, impress upon them that you never want to discuss it again. Done.

FEEDBACK Regarding the mother trying to evict her daughter and the daughter’s boyfriend (April 9):

Reader – “This really needs to be done by a professional and if the mother leaves the house for a week, she should hire security for the house 24/7 as the daughter may break in or damage the home.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the son-in-law who insisted on separate cheques (April 15):

Reader – “I would like to add some insight into other reasons why the son-in-law would suggest separate bills. When my wife and I enjoy a meal with friends, we usually do separate bills. This is not because we are cheap. It is because we often do not enjoy an expensive beverage and rarely order the most expensive entre on the menu. A few alcohol beverages can significantly increase the cost of a meal.

“Separate bills also allow us to determine what we feel is a suitable tip. My late uncle would often want to pay for a group meal. However, he would leave no tip or only a small tip for even great service. He would be visibly upset if any of us tried to leave an additional tip. Solution was to ask for separate bills.”