My mother taught me that if someone loves you, and you love them, then you should give them everything you have. But if they stop loving you or stop treating you in a loving way, you should stop loving them and walk away. She told me that you need to forget all your memories and simply move forward.

Ironically, my husband stopped loving me after a decade of marriage and two little girls. He behaved poorly towards me, and it was easy to stop loving him. But I don’t want to forget all my memories. I don’t want to erase the past 10 years of my life and my daughters’ lives. I want to hold them dear and treasure them.

Is she right?

Mom Knows Best

There is no right answer to this question. Some people need to wipe their memory slate clean because thinking about the past is too painful and hinders them from moving forward with their life. Others are better equipped to compartmentalize.

If possible, I would hold your memories dear, especially for the sake of your girls. Assuming he wasn’t an abusive father, there’s no reason for them to wipe away all their loving and fun memories of family times and time spent with their dad.

We are all products of our lived experiences. If we wipe them from our memory banks, we’ll make the same mistakes we always made and won’t have anything to share. I don’t agree with your mom. Sorry.

One of my best friend’s is dating a girl who is very smart. She’s always helping the rest of us study for tests and quizzes. She’ll call me and ask if I need help in the classes that we have together. And we’ll often study together. We help each other out.

But I wouldn’t have known she was bright if I only knew her as my friend’s girlfriend because she acts very ditzy when she’s with him. And he seems surprised whenever I tell him that we’re studying together.

What am I missing? Why does she feign stupidity in front of him?

Intelligence Flux

I don’t understand that at all! Why would anyone dumb themselves down? Especially if they are clearly academically successful. It’s not your place, and I wouldn’t suggest getting in the middle of this relationship, but you could ask your friend why he thinks his girlfriend is unintelligent. And you could ask her why she pretends to be less intelligent in front of her boyfriend.

If you figure it out, fill me in. I’m dumbfounded.

My daughter wants to take our cat to university next semester. Her landlord said she could as long as the cat is a registered support animal. But it is not. My daughter says it doesn’t matter and that the landlord won’t ever check. But I don’t want to deal with the fallout when the landlord does ask; and I’m also not sure I want to live without my cat!

How do I have this conversation with my daughter?

Here Kitty Kitty!

This is what I would do: tell your daughter that if she wants to bring a pet cat to her apartment at university, she should get her own kitten, register it as her support animal, if that’s why she needs the cat, and then you can keep your own cat at home with you. Or, your daughter could move to a cat-friendly apartment, if it’s that important to her.

The only issue is that when your daughter comes home for the holidays, and in the summer, you’ll have two cats running around your house.

I’m a dog person but either way, I wouldn’t let someone else – even one of my own children – take my dog away to live with them. And yes, I’m fully aware that one day I’ll probably have a house full of my children’s dogs.

FEEDBACK Regarding the 20-year-old hijacking luncheons (July 16):

Reader – “You are wrong - unless the mother explains why the daughter always joins; the daughter should not be invited.
Adult friends want to discuss things 20-year-olds have no business knowing.”

FEEDBACK Regarding pokey clumsy (July 20):
Reader – “Please appreciate that we males are simple creatures. We often do not pick up on subtle clues that the ‘superior gender’ (females) easily picks up.

“Tell him that, while initially funny, the humour is starting to wear off now.  Do not make assumptions.  He very likely is not appreciating that this is now causing resentment in you.”

FEEDBACK Regarding in a rut (July 20):
Reader – “Both seem in resentment mode. He could try to get out of the rut by getting up in the morning and joining his wife for coffee. An act of consideration may be returned, for example, emptying the dishwasher.”