I’m a high school teacher in the city. My students come in all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities, socio-economic backgrounds, and sexual orientations. Recently, I had a confusing conversation with a student’s father and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do anything about it.
This particular student identifies as they/them. I needed to speak to their parents about a project they were working on. It was a conversation about logistics and all positive, meaning there was no arguing or reason for the parents to be on the defensive.
Each time the dad would respond, he would refer to the student as she/her. I continued to refer to the student as they/them. The conversation ended and I was left wondering if the student’s parents aren’t supporting them in the home?
Should I be discussing this with my student, or even the principal?
Concerned Teacher
Though I truly appreciate your care and concern for your student, if the student seems happy and well-adjusted in the classroom, and other than the pronoun use the parents seemed involved and engaged, then I don’t think it’s your business. However, if you have a good rapport with your student, you could strike up a conversation about their gender-identity, when they came to terms with how they identify, and segue to how they feel when people refer to them as she/her.
They may reveal that they don’t like when their parents refer to them as she/her and open up about their parents’ lack of support. Or, they may say they prefer they/them but at home remain she/her as that’s how they have always been identified within the family.
Don’t jump to negative conclusions, but do continue to notice and care how your students feel. Everyone will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
My boyfriend and I went on a weekend getaway with five other couples, all friends of his. The guys are all really nice, and their wives are friendly and fun to be around. But I am definitely the odd-man-out. The women would come and go to the different meals, activities, etc., always together in twos or threes, if they weren’t with their partners. I was either with my guy – or alone.
I’m friendly, fun, not much different than they all are in terms of background, culture, career…. What’s going on here? How do I become “part of the gang?”
And do I really want to…...?
Left-out Lucy
You’re smart. And seem to recognize the ridiculousness of the situation. It sounds like these women have known each other a long time, are good friends, but are also slightly insecure. That’s what’s going on… and it has nothing to do with you.
If you want to become part of “the gang,” you need to be proactive. For example, next time you go away, call one or two of the girls in advance and book spa time together. Or, when you’re together at lunch, speak first and ask who wants to join you at the pool. Time will allow for you to become more ingrained in the group. If that’s really what you want.
FEEDBACK Regarding money from the husband’s will (Oct. 12):
Reader – “Since the amount of money that she is prepared to give the grandchildren doesn’t affect her lifestyle, why doesn’t she invest the money so that if she becomes aware of the existence of grandchildren, the money is there and has been well looked after.
“It could be life changing for them.”
A recent reader’s commentary seems apropos to our times:
“No matter how much we’ve been hurt by others, our anger or resentment must be directed to the person(s) involved, not to those innocent ones whose lives might be forever traumatized or changed by another’s need to hurt back.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the unhappy daughter of a flirting mom (Oct. 9):
Reader – “Does she really want to interfere in her mother’s happiness? Maybe having younger stepbrothers could be a good thing.
“There were two boys in my class (one had a younger brother; the other had a younger brother and a sister) who met in middle school and became good friends. One had a divorced father and the other had a divorced mother. Through school activities and sports, the two adults met. By the time we were finishing high school, they were getting married. All of their kids were ushers, flower girls, bridesmaids and groomsmen; they made up the entire wedding party.
“Watching all of those kids interact, it was very difficult to determine who were siblings and who were now stepsiblings. Everyone was very obviously happy. Both of their ex-spouses had cheated, so both families had endured previous turmoil.”