Now that I have a baby, I have increased concerns about my mom, who suffers from anxiety, insecurity, negativity, and finger pointing. Visits are painful and draining.

She needs to constantly please and be reassured that she's in the right. Example: She wants to clean our house, give us food, etc. BUT she criticizes our housekeeping when she cleans, cooks extreme abundance, or brings food we already have.

I worry about her effect on our baby. We're uncomfortable leaving them alone together due to her frantic ways with the baby. She doesn't know what to do when our daughter cries, and cannot accept that babies do cry, sometimes for no apparent reason. She worries about anything and everything.

I always emphasize appreciation for her thoughts and love rather than for the material things. How can I create a more peaceful relationship between us? Should I just let her help with the cleaning, the baby and accept all the food?

Anonymous

Be careful what YOU worry about, lest you end up following your mom's model. Many grandparents are nervous with an infant, after so many years out of touch. Tell her what to look for when the baby cries, and don't respond to her franticness. If there's no improvement, protect your child by saying NO babysitting until she's a year, and for limited times when she sleeps.

Your mother should NOT be cleaning your house; it's demeaning to all of you, and a set-up for her to criticize. You are taking advantage and then unhappy with the result, so stop it. As for food, only accept it as a kindness and say nothing negative, but do NOT indicate a need for her food and then find fault with what she offers.

I smoked my first pack of cigarettes when I was ten. I didn't get sick. By 16, I smoked two packs a day. I loved smoking and it felt good.
At 35, I happened by a free X-Ray clinic, so asked for a scan. They detected spots on my lungs and suggested I stop smoking. I was scared and decided to quit right away. Well - as your readers have pointed out - it's not easy for most nicotine-addicted people. I butted out and my life turned into a living hell. Cigarettes had taken control of my entire nervous system. I went back to smoking two packs a day.

Here's how I stopped: When I was hired as a salesperson, I was told there was no smoking on the sales floor, but I could smoke in the washrooms and restaurants on my break. I found that I didn't crave or need a smoke when I was on the floor... obviously I'd programmed myself to accept this fact.

So I picked a day - 18 months in advance - and committed myself to stop smoking then. I phased in a gradual withdrawal program of cutting down over the months so that I was smoking under five cigarettes a day for the second last month and ending with only one cigarette every other day till my final goal date.

In the first year I gained 40 pounds. At first the smoking urge was there every day. Gradually the period between urges grew to years. My message: It IS possible to program your brain to manage your withdrawal period.

I also gave up a young smoking habit years ago, and soon lost the added weight. It's about finding your own strength and desire for good health.

I recently stumbled upon my husband's Facebook page. He never connected to my profile or our teenage son's.

Yet he has his estranged family members, school friends (unseen for 20 years), and people from his old job, including some party-going ladies.

I have very unpleasant feelings about it. I respect his privacy, and he has his business network on another social site. But here, on all-accessible media, it looks like he's making a statement. Your thoughts?

Curious and Uncomfortable

DO respect his privacy by not "stumbling" onto more of his sites. The honest and logical approach is for you to apologize for the unexpected discovery and to ask (without blaming) why he didn't include his wife and son. Say that it does send a not-so-hidden message that he's operating as an unattached individual that way, and that makes you wonder why. His reaction will be your answer.