He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, but I have trouble seeing us married, as he doesn’t fit my image for my future husband. I always thought I’d marry someone who made a lot of money, or was poised to be successful in the future.
My boyfriend’s job and career path will never provide the lifestyle I want, or that I grew up with. I’m working towards the goal of being financially well off myself, but the problem is that he doesn’t value money, or what it can provide, the way I do.
He also doesn’t have lofty financial goals as I do. Do you think this relationship can work when we have such different financial goals and values? If so, how can I get over it?
- Opposites
If money is your most important value, move on.
However, many couples have differences in attitudes towards a variety of things; most of them adapt, compromise, adjust and find some balance in the middle.
Example: You might follow a more ambitious career path, while he might prove to be a greatly supportive husband who helps out and prevents your becoming a workaholic.
But if you cannot adjust your image of the right “fit,” you’d likely bring a negative and nagging attitude towards him when married.
Having the “best boyfriend ever” is already good fortune. Think about the qualities that he brings to the relationship. If you share similar core values – about honesty, decency, family life – then think about how you can contribute more to the finances while he contributes more to your emotional security.
It’s a great combination, IF you can accept being the bigger breadwinner.
My husband hired my nephew for a summer job; it didn't work out and his manager let him go. My sister was very upset with my husband, but everyone who worked with him agreed that the manager had no other choice.
My nephew bad-mouthed my husband to the rest of my family. I called him, we argued and I hung up.
Several months later, I called and apologized, but he wouldn't return my calls. That was 18 months ago and now he’s marrying for the second time, at 45. My sister said that we’re invited to the wedding.
I phoned and congratulated him and again no response. I sent a Christmas card and said I missed seeing him and his daughters and hoped we could move forward in 2010. Still no reply.
My husband and I don't feel comfortable going to his wedding as he won't speak to us and I feel that my sister is probably forcing the invitation. Should we say that we don't feel comfortable attending his wedding and not go, or not say anything and just go?
- Reluctant Guests
Do NOT be the ones to continue this breach between you. If you’re invited, that’s enough reason to go. Your nephew could’ve absolutely forbidden his mother to extend the invitation, but he didn’t.
He was undoubtedly mortified by the job termination, since everyone would assume he’d caused problems or been incompetent, for an uncle to agree to the firing. That explains the bad-mouthing, though it doesn’t excuse it.
It might have gone better if your husband had talked to him about whatever problems there were, ahead of time. Maybe the manager was too quick, maybe not.
At the wedding, wish him well, send whatever gift is normal for you to choose and hope he’ll one day get over this episode between you.
During my parent's Christmas dinner at home (for family and close friends), my boyfriend's mother handed out business cards to everyone. Our guests were uncomfortable with this gesture.
We all think it was unnecessary to try to promote herself. Was she trying to impress us? Or show off her intelligence? Most of our guests are highly educated professionals with well-established careers, and don’t brag about it.
Next event, I don’t wish to invite her. How can I prevent her from coming or avoid seeing her?
- Annoyed
Given your attitude (and over-reaction), you might as well stop seeing your boyfriend; any guy with dignity and pride can’t stay with someone who dismisses his mother so easily.
Where’s your insight and understanding? She likely felt intimidated by this crowd and thought she’d secure her own status this way. OR, she’s an avid net worker. Sure, it’s out of place, but it’s not criminal. Lighten up.
Tip of the day:
The right “fit” is the partner who makes you feel good in ways that matter most.