My husband of almost three years is the best provider. I have everything I could possibly want or need, materially.
But there's no love, no affection, nothing.
We haven't been intimate in almost three months and then, only because I initiated.
I feel he doesn't find me attractive and doesn't love me.
I discovered that he was talking to another woman inappropriately via text. I was devastated.
He said he was texting her because I don't talk to him sensually. Hell, if I felt sexual or wanted by him, I would!
We went to counselling - a waste of money and time.
I can't discuss this because he blows up, then pouts. Or he blames me. Everything is always my fault.
I'm so unhappy and lonely. I used to be so sexual and happy.
I don't want to leave him nor have an affair.
You need to decide what you ARE willing to do or accept that you cannot save this marriage and move on.
I urge you to get counselling for yourself. No, I’m NOT blaming you.
But when you have a serious couple problem and the other half won’t discuss it, then you need professional guidance to try to find ways to reach him.
There must’ve been love and intimacy when you were dating or first married. You need to explore when and why he changed and pulled away.
When he says you don’t talk sensually, perhaps he means that the marriage has become too much about details and his role as provider, yours as “wife” instead of lover.
A good counsellor will pick up on some of this and give you some strategies to have a real conversation about what he’s feeling, and your feelings, too.
If he’s turned to someone else and won’t end it, then you have a decision to make about your own life.
Having your own therapist can help you with that, too.
My friend from university and I started a book club 15 years ago. We each brought in two friends with spouses, and meet three times annually as a group.
She and her husband became quite friendly with one of the couples I brought - dinner dates, cottage weekends, weekends away, games nights, etc.
We’re no longer included in most of these get-togethers, or invited last minute.
I find it unsettlingly hurtful when I hear them talk about their times together, when we weren’t invited.
I said something once to my friend, several years ago, but she didn’t understand why I’d be hurt.
I feel like we were ditched for more exciting people. We’re all still in the book club together.
Am I being ridiculously childish to feel left out and hurt by their friendship? How can I move past it?
It IS reminiscent of schoolyard hurts, but it’s not uncommon that these feelings crop up again in middle age and even older.
The problem is almost the same – relying on only a few people (or couples) for friendship and activities.
I understand that busy adult lives don’t leave a lot of time for seeing a wide circle of people or making close new friends.
But it IS important to widen that circle somewhat… or the very thing you describe leaves you feeling excluded.
Follow your own interests as a couple – music, art, film, whatever – and join a group, community series or members’ association to get out with new people of similar interests.
Making time to form new friendships is needed in different phases of adult life.
When school ended, the guy I’d liked for a long time asked if I wanted to go out with him when school started again.
I said yes, but that he has to take me on a date before I’d consider us “together.”
However, he's told some people he has a girlfriend.
It’s been months and I don't still have the same feelings. He hasn't made any contact with me.
Also, I don't want my relationships with my guy-friends to change.
Should I let it all play out now that school’s started or say that I don't know if it's going to work?
Act on your instinct. This doesn’t feel right.
Tell him right away that neither of you should be bound by that decision since you haven’t seen each other for months.
Say you want to be friends, there’s no reason not to be.
Time will show whether your/his feelings change.
Tip of the day:
Without intimacy, love, discussion, agreement, there’s very little relationship.