As the husband of a wife who cheated, I’ve been wanting to “out” the men she cheated with, because they got away with it all.
I contacted them via email, and their only regret was that my wife kept their saucy emails, which is how I was able to track them down.
My wife claims that I was neglecting her. She’s right, but only because she was always demeaning and demanding.
But we have three children with whom I spend a lot of time - feeding and bathing them, taking them to birthday parties, etc.
I also help cook, clean, and take care of all outside appointments which she “can’t handle” (she’s from a different country and lives dependently on me).
But she managed to get on a cheating website and meet up with guys.
She also lied, initially denying any sexual relationship.
Then I confronted her on the emails from the three guys who were saying that they had a great time at the hotel.
It's been almost four years now and we’re still together. But I still have trouble trusting her.
I want to out this one guy in particular because he’s the worst. Should I?
You’ve been very strong and determined to make it through four years since this upsetting discovery.
Hard years for both of you, since your wife must feel your distrust and inner fury.
There’s no blanket excuse for betraying a spouse, but there are contributing reasons – discomfort at being so dependent, and dissatisfaction that she expresses through criticizing you.
If you’re going to last as a couple, you need counselling together. Not just about the cheating.
You need to really listen, about her unhappiness. She also needs to listen, about your humiliation and frustration of learning how she turned to men who themselves are careless cheaters.
Then, with the guidance of a professional therapist, you’ll learn what next steps can bring back caring and trust. Or, what your options are.
Meanwhile, exposing this worst jerk to his wife, kids, and everyone else doesn’t change what he and your wife did.
But it does bind you to your anger and pain. Revenge won’t take it away… it’ll deepen it.
Our neighbours’ daughter, nine, found an abandoned kitten.
Then, while they were away for a week, we saw the kitten hiding under their car, scared and hungry.
We fed it and left water, as did others.
The kitten came into our backyard. When the temperature dropped, I brought him in. My husband and children wanted to keep him. We got the kitten a litter box, bathed him, and named him.
The neighbours returned. They never asked if we’d seen the kitten.
When my husband mentioned that we’d taken it in, the father said they hadn’t decided about it, but their daughter became upset.
Now her father’s very angry with us.
I’ve since learned that the neighbours planned to keep that cat outdoors and never bring it in.
I don’t want this to come between us. Our children play together.
The couple were irresponsible regarding the cat.
You did the right thing by taking it in.
Now - since they didn’t want an “inside” cat anyway - say that their daughter can join your kids in caring for and playing with the cat. But because you’re used to having pets in the house, you’ll keep it.
If they’re still very angry and say they now want it in their home, AND you want to smooth the relationship, suggest they alternate weeks with you.
Our family camping trip’s booked. But our first day coincides with an annual community event.
My husband wants to attend the event, to network for his side business (he's a DJ) and meet neighbours.
I want to leave early to set up camp.
We’re new here but have lots of time to go to town events.
I haven't had any significant time off in months. He’s already had a couple of weeks off (and his own skiing trip) this year.
Am I Selfish?
It’s not a You vs. Him decision. It’s a question of family need.
If this is your only possible getaway plan, it’s compelling to carry on.
But if his DJ income’s essential to your livelihood, that’s compelling too.
Decide what’s needed by most of you, not whom to please.
If there are other ways to get involved in the community soon, go camping. If not, plan an alternate trip soon.
Tip of the day:
Outing a cheater deepens your own fury.