My ex-fiance and I parted on horrid terms - he left me for one of my best friends. I’m now happily married.  

A mutual friend is getting married soon, and I badly want to attend. However, I cannot be pleasant towards this ex and his wife. But I want no drama for the bride and groom. Can I ask a mutual pal to tell my ex and his wife to avoid us during the day?

I’d normally ignore them if they approached me (they will), but they’re so dense they’d miss the hint if I said, “Excuse me,” and walked away.

The wedding is far away, so spending lots of travelling money to go just to the church and not to the reception isn’t an option.

Suggestions?

- Not Friends

YOU to Ex-Intimates, if they approach you: “There’s nothing for us to talk about, so please don’t bother.” Exit, and stay by Hubby’s side. 

If they ignore your request, it would be best to have him step in, and say you want to enjoy the wedding and their company makes it difficult. This needn’t cause drama, if you’re open with your husband about your discomfort – that it’s about past betrayal, not about any leftover feelings – and if he can be discreet handling this.

If not, have your friend intervene. But don’t set it up ahead of time. The couple may be so dense that they make a public show of trying to befriend you again, to show that they’re really nice folk, not the sneaky cheaters you experienced.

Above all, respect the bride and groom: If you’re overcome with anger, remember the best revenge is being happy (including gratitude for “losing” those two). So keep up your smile, OR leave for the hotel and a huge love-fest with your spouse.

I’m 23, a single woman who’s been abstaining from sex for religious reasons though I no longer feel tied to these beliefs and practices. 

I’m excited to become sexually active again and explore with different people. However, I struggle with insecurities, mostly physical/body insecurities that will inhibit me. I’ve had only one partner, several years ago, and was tainted by religious guilt.

I want sex to be fun, comfortable, uninhibited... but I fear I’ll feel like an awkward teenager again.

I also fear judgments from my partner.

I’m considering proposing to a good friend that we sleep together for fun, because I’m comfortable around him, as he’s trustworthy and non-judgmental, and we’re both fairly liberal-minded. He may be able to help me “kick start” all of this.

- Seeking Advice

Lurching from moral restraint to multiple sex partners, is the sign of a confused mind, not a free spirit. Becoming “liberal” does NOT mean losing sense of personal dignity, and self-understanding. 

Your body-image insecurity is what you need to change, first, so that you learn to value yourself and what you bring to intimate connections. Sex as a “fun” adventure sport is a concept you’re not emotionally ready for… I predict your “kick start” would actually launch the end of your close friendship with this guy.

Sex is a wonderful communion, when you have pride in yourself, and choose a partner with whom you share respect and trust as well as chemistry. Learn to like your own body, and “explore” good men through getting to know them as people, instead of rushing from bed to bed dragging along old baggage instead of self-respect.

In your May 31 column, you told someone to “look for a real man.” Could you please explain what a “real man” is and how “real women” wouldn’t have those same characteristics?

- Word Search

Good question, because “real” men and women do have similar qualities – when looked at in relationship terms, and when compared to those individuals of both genders who are weak of character and rather than contribute as mature, responsible equals, they let an outsider (e.g. parents, bosses, friends) or circumstances run their lives. 

In the column you mention, the fiance was under his overbearing father’s control and repeatedly failed to speak up for himself or his partner. As I wrote in response, a “real man” (or woman) would have the ability to make his/her own decisions and be a true partner in planning a future with someone.

While this takes courage sometimes, it’s essential to a healthy union.