Last fall I met this guy who’s my college roommate's good friend.
I had so much fun with him. He kept saying he was going to visit me at my school, two hours from him.
He never did. He said he had family stuff going on.
But we stayed in touch all year. Then, he came for one night and stayed with me and my friend. We ended up hooking up and he slept in my bed.
I visited him the following weekend at his school. I met his friends and his brother and they all really liked me.
The last night we both cried because we didn't know when we'd see each other again with me transferring schools farther away from him.
It's hard for me to accept that I met the right person at the wrong time. I lost my virginity to him that night which also makes me attached to him.
We kept in touch all the time. To my knowledge he wasn't hooking up with other girls and I wasn't hooking up with other guys.
Last March he spent another weekend at my school. He got very drunk, said I was his girlfriend, and said, “I love you.”
We went to a “day drink” (all day drinking) and he got arrested. It was a crazy ordeal and when I was on the phone with him in jail he again said he loves me.
I knew it was because he needed reassurance because he was scared.
We hooked up after we got him from jail and the next morning it was so hard to say bye to him.
I know we aren't going to date, but I don't know if I'm in love with him.
Two weeks later, he drove down to see me just for the night but his brothers kept calling him and he had to go back after an hour and a half.
I was going to visit him. I felt that I needed to tell him I’d fallen in love with him and needed to talk it out.
Then I couldn’t go because his dad was coming.
Ever since, he's slowly stopped contacting me. I know he's pulling away.
I just need to have an open and honest conversation with him. Last night I was drinking and called, saying I fell in love with him and he just said okay and wanted to make sure I was okay.
He texted today that he appreciated me putting myself out there but that things won't work with the distance.
But how do I get him to talk to me? I know it won't work right now, but maybe it will in the future.
Need to Talk
You don’t realize it yet, but you’re a very fortunate young woman, to have your “first” be someone for whom you felt love and trust is the ideal.
So it’s natural that you still have strong feelings. But you’re both old enough to also see the realities.
With distance between your schools, and needs for further education, it’s unknown where the connection will go.
The conversation isn’t really necessary because the truths are obvious: You both cared a lot. It can’t work for now.
“Talking it out” may just be upsetting… him feeling pressured, you feeling let down.
Better to keep it light and easy. Text only occasionally – when an event or something very amusing has happened, his birthday, that’s it.
He’s a special part of your experience, which you’ll always remember.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose sister, 47, stopped speaking to her (May 29):
Reader – “While one person in a family may perceive the problem as jealousy/envy, another has no interest in going down that same path again where there’s no change.
“Instead, it’s the usual outcome of someone playing the "victim violin" yet again.
“As an adult, by the time you’re in your 40s, you should be able to stand on your own two feet, and realize the world around you owes you nothing.
“Sadly, this isn’t the case for some, and for those of us "attached" to those people as family, it's a draining cloud that sucks out our sunshine.
“When you’re expected to continually verbally "prop" up your kin, and when you don't achieve that, you’re deemed to be selfish.
“So that's where I draw the line.”
Ellie – You clearly tried, and tried again. That’s sometimes all one can do.
Tip of the day:
Dating with feelings and respect is a basis for re-connecting when time/changes allow.