I’m 19, male, in my second year of university. 

I became close friends with a girl on my floor last year then realized I had a crush on her. She said she had feelings for me too but didn’t want to ruin the friendship; with her past relationships in high school she’d always end it when things got serious because she didn’t want to get hurt. She also said that during first year she’d “made out” with random guys when she was drunk so she doesn’t deserve me; I’m “too good” for her. I accepted all of this.

We emailed daily this past summer. She told me that she performed oral sex for one of her boyfriends and she says it’s absolutely normal. I’m okay with that philosophy but the thought of her doing that shocked me.

Does this girl like me? Sometimes I think she does. What do I do?

- Confused

Stick with friendship. This girl is afraid of relationships, and also has a pretty low picture of herself, so she’s trying to shock you (and did) to keep you from wanting to get closer and date her. 

She probably does like you, but she’s too insecure for you to count on. She’s told you her previous pattern, and nothing indicates that she’ll handle one with you with any more maturity or confidence than in the past.

The best thing that can happen to her is to have a strong, caring friendship with a guy like you (if you get past your crush), helping her feel good about herself as a person, and not just someone guys can use for quick thrills.

My father makes me feel imperfect, and insecure. He left when I was four 

(20 years ago). Periodically, he comes into my life and tells me everything about me is wrong – my weight, my career choice, etc.

He’s divorced (again) and wants to see more of me.

- Nervous

Set limits. Only see him when you’re feeling good about yourself. Alert him that you’ll end contact if he becomes critical about you. 

I was jealous during a seven-year relationship, because my divorced, commitment-phobic boyfriend didn’t want to marry me. 

His teenage children never accepted me.

My wanting a clean, tidy house and to know people’s plans regarding dinners, was too much for him and his children.

From stress, I began to drink and smoke, which was unacceptable to my boyfriend. I didn’t feel I had to change since he wouldn’t. Then the children moved in, acting like it’s an all-inclusive resort. They do nothing. My constant nagging about them ruined our relationship.

Then, at a party of my boyfriend’s lifetime friends, I drunkenly and publicly kissed a man. I humiliated my boyfriend and myself.

Suddenly, all of the blame for our problems is mine and I have to leave.

- Upset

This move is right for you, as you lost your way within the relationship. You knew he didn’t want marriage, yet stayed. 

You excused yourself for starting smoking and drinking, habits that were unhealthier for you than him.

You saw you had no support from him regarding his children, yet took offence at them. You should’ve left long ago.

Forget who caused this final break and be grateful for a chance to re-discover your pride and sense of identity.

Find a decent place to live and focus on getting control of your drinking and looking after yourself. He was the wrong man for you.

I may have unintentionally offended a close friend recently, when I made a comment in the presence of her fiancé. I realized my slip of speech immediately afterwards and quickly made amends, by laughing it off. 

Although neither my friend nor her fiancé appeared offended or upset at the time, I’ve continued to feel badly about this comment. Should I apologize to both of them, or is it better just to let it go?

- Embarrassed Friend

Don’t raise it. They’ve either missed hearing the comment, or understood that you meant no offence and accepted your handling of it. Or they’re purposefully helping you out as a friend by pretending it didn’t happen. 

Do something simple and nice for them very soon, such as invite them over, or bring flowers, or send a warm greeting card. If they were aware of the incident, they’ll know you’re regretting what you said.