My fiance dumped me last week. We’ve been together for 7.5 years, and have broken up twice before. Both times, he blamed his anger towards me. I think he’s afraid of commitment.
We recently got a dog, and I thought he was on board with this decision, but it turned out he wasn’t. I’m confused because he’d check out dog food and pet toys, and we’d talked for a while about getting a dog.
He’s extremely kind and loving, and self-sacrificing to a fault. But as he begins to resent me, I often become very needy and depressed, because I can sense him pulling away, but I don’t know how to talk to him. By the time we do talk, it’s too late.
I have no idea what to do now, because we keep repeating these patterns, and getting back together thinking that things will change. But they don’t. I’m still in love with him and he says he loves me but can’t be with me now, because he’s too angry. He forced me to move out.
How do I proceed with this situation?
This guy Resents and Retreats, instead of revealing what he’s feeling.
There’s nothing to proceed toward, with him. He’s not willing to give you the emotional security you need, through a commitment, and he seems unable or unwilling to express clearly what he needs.
You can’t get to the root of his anger, since he sometimes brings it out without cause (the dog), or blames you without explanation. He’ll never be a great candidate for a happy marriage with you, unless he gets individual counselling to deal with his own roadblocks.
The only way for you, personally, to proceed, is to get on with your life without him.
My husband speaks with his mother multiple times daily. I’ve had to set rules as to when he can and can’t answer the phone (negative: during dinner, during sex, during gatherings with my family, etc.).
While he usually complies with these rules, he refuses to keep private details of my life from his mother (how much money I make, my daily schedule, health issues, etc.) despite many fights over the issue.
How can I stop the incessant number of daily phone calls and keep my private life private?
Answer the phone yourself. Tell Mom (she’s your mother-in-law, remember), that you’re having dinner, whatever – say it kindly, and assure her that one of you will call her back. Make sure it’s you, sometimes.
When you chat, show some interest in her life (the attention she’s really after) and include her in your activities sometimes, e.g. when your family visits. Share what information that you’re willing to share.
If she asks more intrusive questions, say you prefer to keep some details private.
To all Daughters-in-laws: I’m aware that some MIL relationships are too toxic for the above approach. But I encourage you to recognize, as you raise your own children, that some day you too may be, “the other mother,” trying to find a place in your child’s new family.
My wife’s two closest friends have big houses, nannies, etc. We’ve got a small place, and can’t afford babysitters often, but she insists she’s happy with our life.
I suggest finding friends more like us, but she’s comfortable with her old buddies.
- Heavy Competition
Who’s competing? Be proud of your wife’s self-confidence and sense of loyalty.
For yourself, balance your economic sensitivity with the good fortune of a happy relationship.
My friend of four years and I spent lots of time together; I recently realized I’d fallen for her.
She’d previously dated several guys and I didn’t feel jealous, but recently she started seeing someone new and I’m very jealous.
I’m sure I should swallow my feelings and let her have her happiness with him. I value her friendship, which is why I never said anything until now.
- Or should I?
You’ve already moved, emotionally, past “friendship only,” so expect more inner turmoil and discomfort about her dating… until you speak up.
Say you want her to be happy, but you need to also express your own feelings. If she and this guy stay together, so be it; but if they stop dating, you’d like a chance to be more than pals.
Your friendship’s already at risk from your jealousy. Openness will get you both thinking about the possibility of a relationship.
Tip of the day:
Someone who retreats instead of discloses, carries heavy personal baggage.