My mother, late-80s, died recently. I've now discovered that my sister-in-law had been making withdrawals - over $18,000 - from her bank account over five years. This money came from my mother's old age pension.

My sister-in-law had somehow obtained my mother's debit card and pin number. This money could've helped my mother's quality of life... to shop for herself, and to buy gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

I paid for her cable TV, newspaper, and to have her hair done. My brother was unaware of his wife's theft.

I wish I'd watched my mother's finances but always thought her pension went entirely to the nursing home.

Should I inform the police? It could end my relationship with my brother who's as upset about this as much as me.

Devastated

Keep the records of those withdrawals and show copies to your sister-in-law, in a meeting with your brother present. Then insist that she repay that money so that it can be disbursed to people - including yourself and your brother, any grandchildren, close family/friends - for whom your mother would've bought gifts.

If you and/or your brother don't want your share, consider giving it to those in the nursing home who cannot afford the "extras" you mention.

Tell your SIL that until she's repaid this money, she risks your going to the police about her thievery.

Offering this approach would be doing your brother a huge favour. Explain to him that you don't want to end your relationship. But doing nothing allows his wife's criminal behaviour to simmer, since she'll believe she "got away with it." It can then erupt wherever she finds other opportunities to successfully steal.

Your brother needs to understand that the threat of going to the police and laying a charge may be the only way to stop her. He also needs to learn where the money went, why she felt she needed it, and how to handle their financial matters in future.

I'm an adult, on my own for 30 years. My stepfather, late-60s, continually asks me for money every time I see him! He always asks for $10 to $20, and of course he wants it to be in secret. It's annoying, and creepy!! Usually I'll give it to him, or even the $4 in my purse, but it makes me angry.

He does this to everyone - even houseguests visiting from another country who were paying towards their food for the week.

I've told my mother, but this causes fights between them, doesn't stop the "borrowing" (he often pays it back). He's shown signs of slight dementia, but this is NOT new behavior. Ten years ago he drained my brother's bank account by forging checks (never prosecuted, and my brother asked me not to tell our mother).
Upset

Talk to his doctor, along with your mother, and learn more about what to expect regarding dementia, which is usually progressive - such as annoying habits becoming exacerbated.

Getting money, even small amounts, likely has some security meaning for him. In time, he may be happy with coins, or even candies. (My own late mother ultimately collected napkins in her purse, under a similar condition. Once I understood their significance to her, I acted as if it was a natural thing.)

While I'm suggesting more compassion here rather than reaction, his earlier forgery was wrong and so was keeping it a secret and not dealing with it then.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wants to stay "just friends" (March 24):

Reader - "She needs to explain why. I did something similar...

"When my family was moving to another country, my best friend and I, then age seven, decided we'd get married when older... but if we couldn't, we'd at least ask for the other's approval first.

"Years later my family had moved back, and we two would often meet each other at events. One night, he asked me out. I'd already realized we weren't suited for each other for marriage, which meant we'd break up some day, and lose our friendship. I told him this, gently.

"Two years later, at my wedding, he said, with a smile, "You forgot to ask for my approval."

"I laughed, asked what he thought - he approved. My husband and I have been married 30 years now and he and his wife are good friends."