Twenty-three years ago, I tried to "fix" a very resistant man; he had major anxieties and commitment problems. Today, I'm separated. He left after a string of affairs.

Looking back, I made the same mistake so many women do - thinking that I can somehow fix this guy, help him out, and change things; but it masked the real message I felt then: This is all I deserve.

He was relentlessly seeking The One and I always felt inadequate. I should've wised up years ago. However, we have two wonderful children and I wouldn't change that. The other good thing is that I've learned a lot about myself.

I have certain messages for my own daughter now (without slamming her father, whom she loves). And that is: Mend holes in socks; let others mend the holes in themselves.

Fixed Myself

Your wise message needs to be "socked" home to everyone who sets out to change another person to suit him or herself.

People have complex reasoning systems based on a mix of their past, their outlook, and circumstances. One partner can't "make," "convince" or "repair" another.

Here's what a caring person CAN do: listen, and show the other person he/she is heard; be emotionally present for the other, and convey compassion for their feelings.

You may not agree with their view, or even like what you're hearing, yet you're offering the bond of true love, not just a self-interested love.

It may not get you what you want. When the other person finally does "fix" himself or herself, it may be in a different direction. But you have a chance at two positive results: 1) you'll have examined your own feelings instead of turning to frustrating demands; 2) you'll likely see the light a lot sooner and know when it's time to "fix" your own needs.

Our father's 89, is alert, and independent-minded, but having mobility problems. He insists on still living on his own, in a small apartment he manages with the help of a once-weekly housekeeper, but my sister and I are terribly worried about him.

He can't get out on his own, so we have to take turns driving him to doctors' appointments, getting his groceries, taking him to one of our houses for a change of scene, etc. We both work full-time and have grown families with which we're involved, so it's not easy and wearing us down.

When we suggest an assisted-living facility, he gets very angry or cries. Between us all, we can afford to pay for a daily caregiver, but he says his place is too small and he'd hate having someone around all the time.

What can we do to help him?

Frustrated Daughters

Keep on top of things with daily phone calls and consistent visits, and bring in anyone he'll permit, such as any of your adult children who can visit or take him out to their place.

Look into senior services - investigate the possibility of everything from caregivers by-the-hour to half-day daycare programs to meals-on-wheels. He may resist all, but with each new situation, if one of you is present for the first one or two times, he may accept more than you think.

Staying independent is a major part of your father's pride and sense of well being. Let him know you respect this, but also need to know he's not fooling himself. You're prepared to add helpful solutions whenever needed, but he has to tell you when that time is near.

A close friend begged me to rush over; when I arrived, she told me she'd caught her husband in a lie about working late, went to his office to surprise him, but found nobody there. When he finally got home, she confronted him and he confessed to an affair.

She said he'd agreed to go to counselling with her. That was six months ago and she doesn't return my calls, other than one message that she needed "space" from me. How can I restore the friendship?

Shut Out

Her "space" isn't really about you. It's filled with pain, anger, embarrassment, fear, and other emotions, none of which are focused on you. Respect her privacy during this time.

In a few months, send a cute greeting card just to say hello (not an email which anticipates a reply; and not a long commentary either).

She can only resume the friendship when she's ready.