Dear Readers - So many of you had interesting views and experiences regarding Whether to Tell on a Cheater (see July 22/23/24) that I'm publishing one last group of responses:

Reader - "I was the wife whose husband had a long-term affair that some of our friends knew about and chose not to tell me. I found out after the affair ended; we tried for several years to work through the pain and betrayal, but eventually the marriage ended.

"My husband's actions hurt me deeply, but I was also hurt that friends knew and chose to protect his actions. Looking back, I would've preferred a friend tell me, gently and compassionately, and allow me to make the decisions affecting the future of my family. I was devastated by my husband's actions, but it hurt doubly that those friends behaved as if they didn't care about me, my health or that of my children (I conceived one child while the affair was ongoing)."

Reader - "Unhappy couples often move on to better times. Spouse are forgiven and reconciled. Many situations aren't what they seem to outsiders. So I believe that interfering in a marriage, unasked, won't be welcome and the heartache you cause will bring everlasting resentment, whatever the outcome."

Reader - "To allow a wife (or husband) to blissfully assume all is okay, when the spouse is recklessly risking passing on a sexually-transmitted disease is downright criminal.

"Then there's the economic instability of infidelity, with someone spending money on affairs. There's the moral issue of lying and cheating. Shouldn't the spouse be allowed to make a decision before finding out from the "other party," or from people who see the cheater out and about?

"The spouse needs to be empowered to make decisions; and to confront the cheater and try to heal the marriage through counselling and therapy."

Reader - "People need to realize they're likely to lose their friends regardless of what they do. The betrayed spouse may not believe you, or be embarrassed to speak to you if they choose to stay. Or, he/she may be upset if they find out another way, and realize that you knew the whole time.

"Focus on doing what's right - telling the truth - and make sure that your motivation for telling is sincere, e.g. not based on disliking the cheater."

Reader - "It's okay to tell "the cheater" NOT to involve you in their duplicity. Tell them you or your significant other WON'T lie for them. (How is your friend going to feel when everything comes out, and you were a part of it?).

"And then say why you think it's a problem: Example, Ask the cheater if he/she is taking precautions against pregnancy and disease. (Remind them that condoms are essential in these cases, as not everyone is honest about birth control, or their health status).

"If the cheater says they trust the other person, remind them that, they're being dishonest, so who is to say the other is being completely honest? Ask the cheater what the plan is if things go "wrong" e.g. exposure, a pregnancy, or a sexually transmitted disease.

"As for telling the spouse, better have proof. And know you will lose your friend (most likely). Better to protect them from more lies than not. Offer the number of a few marriage counselors. Say that maybe this CAN be worked out. Cheating is a symptom of many things. And sometimes a marriage can survive, but ONLY with help."

Reader - "If my partner and I were in a position whereby a friend was confiding an affair, I'd tell the cheating husband or wife that we would NOT provide "cover."

"If someone wants to run around he/she would have to find another partner in crime. I'd also say, as a friend, that I believe that if someone's that unhappy, the person should come clean. I'd suggest that marriage counselling might help the relationship, and certainly should be tried.

"Or maybe the cheater is just a player. And I'm not going to be a party to it. When the spouse finds out - as will eventually happen - not only will the marriage be destroyed, but the cheater's relationship with any of his/her children could also be damaged permanently.

"After expressing my feelings, warnings, and suggestions, as a friend, I would back off and let the person do what he/she needs to do."