I’m 19, female, and have already been in three serious relationships. The last one wounded me so badly that it’s very difficult for me to move on. I tried many strategies, including drink, partying, and seeing other people. However, I just can’t get it off my mind. Can you help?

Deeply Hurt

Drinking and partying are not “strategies” for recovering from deep hurts…. they’re distractions, usually poor ones. They leave you emptier of inner strength than the original wound. Their after effects are often fatigue and misery, from having made further crummy choices while drunk or over-partied.

Get a grip. Stop falling into new intenserelationships, and spend time getting to know people who behave decently. They’re less likely to use you and leave you feeling humiliated.

Work on building personal confidence, so you’ll recognize and run from shabby treatment. Do this by focusing on YOU – your interests, education, skills, and having supportive relationships with family and friends.

You often tell people to get counselling. That’s wonderful advice if you can afford it. However, the reality for many people - often women who’ve had or are going through a divorce - is that they cannot afford counselling.

If you don't want to take drugs and only want talk therapy, as I do, there’s not much out there. I’ve looked, and my doctor’s said the same thing.

Not everyone’s associated with a church or is religious, which rules out pastoral counselling as well.

No Help

Never give up on finding resources. A range of community agencies offer counselling help, with costs adjusted for income, or even free. Search through such groups as Family Services Association, the YWCA, ethnic-based Community Services, etc.

Many free websites provide insightful information regarding the processes of negotiating a divorce, mediation or joint custody, for example. These can be helpful even if not direct counselling modes.

There are free legal clinics in some jurisdictions, and family court services, which also help clarify issues.

Your own doctor can recommend family doctors who’ve specialized in counselling – covered either by a health care system as in Canada, by some employers, or by health insurance plans.

FEEDBACK Regarding the letter from a woman separated for one year, with both she and her bitter ex in new relationships (July 25):

Reader – “I never cease to be surprised by the speed with which people of both sexes jump out of one relationship into another.

“Also, she says, “I was the one to leave." Of course people of both sexes wander, but in the relationship breakups that affected my life most directly, it’s been the woman who left. One woman took her baby and moved in with a member of a motorcycle gang. The other woman had a very public affair, then left her ex and their children for him.

“So I’m questioning whether another reason why her ex is so angry, is that she was possibly having an affair before she left.”

Ellie – A few examples don’t determine trends or gender failings. Yes a wife’s affair can end marriages, just like a husband’s can. Then both have to deal with the fallout.

Commentary - Regarding the man who wouldn’t stay overnight at his girlfriend’s place, it’s possible that this person is an adult bed-wetter, and is too embarrassed to tell her.

They do exist, and if I hadn’t stumbled as a teenager upon a device that wakes you up while your bladder is emptying, and was cured, I might still be one today.

FEEDBACK Regarding your advice to the husband whose wife wasn’t interested in sex, “talk to her,” “go with her to a doctor,” and get marriage counselling (July 17):

Reader – “Your answers are completely unworkable in cases where the wife’s stubborn and uncommunicative. Guess what? Some problems have no solutions.”

Ellie – Maybe so. But those who write me want to try to find solutions, which is a natural desire when someone’s still hoping for love and a continued relationship, rather than a negative throwing up of the hands.

Yes, I do recommend their giving it the effort a union deserves, before coming to a no-hope conclusion, or choosing to have sex by cheating (as was the idea promoted by the writer).

However, I also wrote, “If, after trying to work on this together, there’s no change, then… eventually, a clean break is far healthier for everyone concerned, than a life of deceit.”